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Show ^ 7 r i I needed him most. I had to agree with Danny in some ways - it was wrong to follow b l i n d l y , to take the word of a man to be the word of God. t0 De My father But something sputtered within me as I thought. ft had oredicted the course of my character as surely as any prophet. Even Brian did not t r u s t me, believed I was incapable of f i d e l i t y. Perhaps my father was human, but elevated, with a closer relationship to God than most. Perhaps he was a sort of transcendant being. I knew that he was human in my head. But my heart could not make use of the concept. It was as though he reigned over the workings of my h e a r t , as though I had fled into darkness and confusion to escape the blinding l i g h t of his judgement, never expecting his understanding or an admission of his complicity in my situation, but only expecting a inalterable condemnation of my soul. I knew that i t was wrong to fear him. I had been taught to fear the Lord, and only the Lord. But a l l my fear resided in my father and the other men in my l i f e . These machinations of anxiety were not the same as the gentle emanations of light that radiated when I thought of God. God gave me s t r e n t h and energy to do the things that f i t t e d my soul. God was the warmth regardless of and love I f e l t for my father A his opinion of me. God was the residual emotion I f e l t for Danny despite the present harshness of our r e a l t i o n s h i p and the sharp edge of the past. God was the i n t e n s i t y of my commitment to Brian despite his coldness and accusations. God mended the t e a r s , the r i p s, the torn-out, worn-out fabric of human r e l a t i o n s . He renewed the old, mailing i t fresh and durable. God was the tolerance 1 felt for Danny's wife even though she had typified my father |