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Show SSIc and animal t r a c k s . He seemed to p a r t a k e of the joy t h a t Danny once had f e l t about l i f e ~ the joy t h a t Danny could no longer see or feel. Ed saw God i n e v e r y t h i n g . Danny saw God in nothing. I wanted Ed t o s t a y in my l i f e , to be the brother that I was l o s i n g . I wanted Ed's companionship <w-constancy, a hand to help me from the w h i r l p o o l i n g i n f l u e n c e of Danny and his wife- There were times when I f e l t I had been made for two men - not considering t h a t n e i t h e r Ed nor Brian was whole,thanks to Vietnam. I blamed my expansive a p p e t i t e on my f a t h e r , on my strong i d e n t i f i c a t i o n with him. There w e r e n ' t many men who, by themselves, could achieve h i s b r e a d t h and depth. And it had taken many mates to f u l f i l l him - perhaps I was the female counterpart of my f a t h e r , the p a t r i a r c h , a s o r t of hi J" nign p™r iSe?s t,e?sr se £/ e at rhtAh smc roi pthteurr. e/tif'tShoamt etohirnogp hoefs iemdy vooplpuopstiutoi ouns neins s a l l t«h«-i•n-"g&so,. returned as I regained the weight I had l o s t while Brian was at war. Color r e t u r n e d to my cheeks, sparkle to my eyes. Sometimes, on an early-morning hike or while watching the sun set across the v a l l e y , I could f e e l my b r e a s t s n i p p l e with the sheer p l e a s u r e of being a l i v e. I loved Ed because he loved my v a l l e y . And because he loved Brian and me. I shone for him, for both of them - was at my w i t t i e s t , my most p e r c e p t i v e , my b e s t - i n f o r m e d . I was curiously i g n o r a n t t h a t my f l i r t a t i o n s were being taken s e r i o u s ly and that Ed's o v e r t u r e s had become i n c r e a s i n g l y seductive u n t il the fourth of J u l y evening v/hen we went to the canyons for °ur p r i v a t e c e l e b r a t i o n - t h r e e t a b s of mescaline and a l l of Nature. Becky had gone t o watch fireworks with B r i a n ' s mother ^d I was f r e e and l i g h t h e a r t e d , motherhood o u t d i s t a n c e d by |