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Show house// 389 Brian had made me reconsider, but even yet the dream seemed impossible. He was kind to me now, but there was no telling what he would do, once married. I could be required to sacrifice myself again and again to his power - both physically and spiritually. He would subject me to whatever he deemed appropriate. If he did not get what he wanted, perhaps threaten to he would^burn the house to the ground. No, I thought, it would be a kind of sin - a total denial of self, a renouncement of the soul God had made for me. True, God had commanded that we Mormons marry or we would never be able to progress through the eternities. But surely He understood my dilemma. I was here for some other purpose than having children - else why all this experience, this torture-rack of a life. I have since read that selfish pride is usually rooted in insecurity. If that is true, then the powerlessness I felt when I thought of marriage was probably responsible for my aloofness toward Brian. I was not aware of how much it pained him, of how much he counted on me,A on the promise of the feelings that passed between us. I was someone who had so little life I could not make room in my tiny space for another yet life - or^another. But another problem - related and yet distinct - made me shy from marriage. There was vengeance in my soul. And almost as though I had willed it, the rapist returned, showing up where I worked, although it was a different restaurant in another Part of town. It oc<2ured to me that he had sensed that I was regaining health and balance through Brian's influence |