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Show 731 special brand of h e l l began. I could not explain the feeling except by tracing i t as we warped south into the dry p l a i n s and sagebrush of inland Oregon, curving alonside r i v e r s without names u n t i l we began to climb again. Pines appeared and great porous rocks studded the countryside l i k e oversized sponges. As we mounted, so did my fear in unconscionable, r i d i c u l o u s fear, I told myself. But i ts rib-cracking power crowded my h e a r t . I could not move, couldn't turn to look at Brian although his face had been peaceful and unclothed a l l morning. I feared to see something - a wounded animal or person beside the road or in the back seat of the car. Life c a n ' t be a l l heaven, I told myself, drawing on expereince. At the time, I d i d n ' t believe that my own consciousness could have generated the fear. I was so wrapped in a sense of family h i s t o r y .and how i t flows into the personal that I began to feel that I had opened the door to my f a t h e r ' s bedroom, opened a forbidden drawer and d i s c o v e r e d 1 $ % ^ ? ' ^ r f ^ f e ^ e t t e r. A pile of ash, a wilted flower, a ^ ^ ^ J ^ , the hell Here, I 5^tse.cL , was the source of his oosessx whose fury had driven him heavenward for the rest life. It was not for many mon.at-hi s tJ-h*,a„+t IT vrepaslliizzeed that this secret hell was also mine - an inheritance ofWeak, incomplete • J-U +hp f i r e of universal moments, slag of smelting narcissim with xne « « consciousness. A A+ hut I knew that my I wasn't sure where I had heard i t , but u ^ hPr-P at Crater Lake, father had asked Aunt Karen to marry him here, ^Q-pippts the essence of If nature in any way i n s t i g a t e s or r e f l e c ts • w a nur surroundings, then our l i v e s , or if we do, indeed, imbibe our surr A f .y the frozen beauty of perhaps Crater Lake could be blamed for tne their marriage, stopped in place and time, not yet revive |
