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Show as he threw the wet, wonderful l i t t l e creature on my abdomen. I Was ecstatic. White waves of l i g h t passed a l l through me and I sat up, grinning. Although my legs and hands trembled from exertion, I wasn't t i r e d . I wanted to jump up and parade through the halls of the hospital with my beautiful daughter. I wanted to show her off to a l l her r e l a t i v e s . The nurses quickly informed me that none of t h i s would be possible, of course, and they whisked my baby away. After a rush of helpless anger, my delight returned. What joy to participate in creation! No wonder my father loved to go on baby cases, regardless of the time of day or night! No wonder he had sired forty-eight children and growing numbers of grandchildren, and had delivered as many of them as possible! Life, pure l i f e ! A bulwark against Brian's death; even should he die, I would have something of him here, in my arms. I telegraphed the news to him through the Red Gross, hoping that his daughter would bring him extra incentive to live. I regained my figure quickly, for in the months without Brian, I had only my studies and my exercise mirror to keep ^ company. My pregnancy had formed a buffer between me and any friends I migh-t have found at the university. Sometimes 1 was dismayed as much by mywilling acceptance of my aloneness as by the loneliness i t s e l f . Perhaps I was, after a l l , a hermit by nature, unable to r e a l l y appreciate the rest of the world becuase I was too self-absorbed and n a r c i s s i s t i c . I remembered th-e times as a child when I preferred playing a lone to being with my brothers and s i s t e r s . Even then I had f e l t guilty about my a b i l i t y to e n t e r t a i n myself. Now the guilt deepened, although i t was directed nowhere in p a r t i c u l a r. |
