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Show 5% 3 that he was not r e a l l y joking, that there was a deep, deadly seriousness in his words and t h a t I was, in fact, wheeling him into the sun and perhaps even changing h i s linen, too, without fully r e a l i z i n g i t. I was frightened and l o s t and bored, but afraid to assert my feelings. It had been unthinkable, in my mother's household, for a woman to put her thoughts and wishes before those of her husband. Besides, I f e l t that I owed Brian the space to discover himself, the space he said he had never been given. But I had' doubts that he would ever find himself by smoking grass or taking drugs or drinking wine, and I said as much. "If the feeling i s r e a l , i t ' l l come to you naturally. If it i s n ' t r e a l , i t i s n ' t worth having - i s i t ?" But he had disagreed, in h i s stubborn, closed way. I slowly learned that there was no sense in harping on a subject he had s e t t l e d within himself. And my f r a il determination was s e r i o u s l y out-classed, for Brian was accustomed to the strong-willed notions of his mother and sisters, while I was used to the p l i a n t p a t t e r n of my mother's character. And so I gave in, even began smoking grass with him so as not to lose touch. I found that I rather liked i t s effect on me - though I d i d n ' t always like what i t did to Brian. I arose at five o'clock each morning to clean the apartment, waxing the kitchen floor <kmmmt scrubbing down the walls and furniture weekly, washing on Monday, ironing on Tuesday.. 1 wondered how my mother had done so much for us - nine of us children at home, and her with a nervous breakdown ^ Piano lessons. |
