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Show joy and hope, as I was. As a c i t i z e n of the world, Nixon could share i t too, as far as I was concerned. He had promised peace in Vietnam. While I believed nothing he said, I was willing to cling to any p o s s i b i l i t y that Brian would be beside me again. I thought how poorly I had t r e a t e d Brian, how l i t t l e I had appreciated him. I would inject love into every pore of his body, no holding back. The Red Cross had recommended against taking the baby along, but I would t e l l him a l l about her and about the wonder of b i r t h . I would reclaim his soul and draw it away from the b a t t l e zone. The battle zone. He had l i e d to me about that, t e l l i n g me that he was stationed in a rear area, as chef for some officers. Then I picked up the newspaper one morning and saw him pulling a Viet Cong out of a bunker," holding a p i s t o l at the man's head. The photograph was s l i g h t l y blurred so that I couldn't t e l l whether his expression was angry or determined, but I knew from the features, the posture, the haircut that i t was him. I sent a copy of the picture, demanding an explanation of his l i e. He wrote without apology and told how unendurable rear areas werewhen the b a t t l e went on everywhere, anyway. 'I have to keep myself ready. If I'm waiting for them to s t r i k e in the jungle, J'U be ready instead of soft and dull. That's the only way 1111 survive t h i s war." * " _fn. 4AKL& 4-0 THi^f- . " r I met him at the airportAand we rode together on a transport tos across the island. After the briefing, we went to our hotel room, which we s c a r c e l y l e f t during our six days together. I discovered that i t hurt to feel again after l e t t i ng my need for Brian dehydrate - l i k e putting on a pair of shoes that have dried before the f i r e . But once Brian had showered aunty 0 |