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Show house/ 390 over me, but the thought was unreal and passed unconsidered. What was r e a l was the vicious delight I took from h i s sudden appearance - the same sort of knee-shaking passion I had felt while r i f l i n g Aunt -Helga's drawers, but augmented a thousand-fold. I would make him pay. I would wreak my revenge for the ruined dreams, the thwarted l i f e . I would teach him to f e e l , would make him love and need me/i Oh, it wouldn't be hard. I knew how to^care about mejrf - I had sympathized my way i n t o the hearts of so many by now. I knew when to hold and when to withold, when to chase and t h a t when to run. I f e l t A a l l the tangled months and misunderstandings before Brian had been leading to t h i s . This was my excuse for deserting others unkindly. I had been acquiring s k i l l s. I would make him love me and then I would drop him. I would be as cold and uimaring as he had been. I will not give him a narne^1 Although some measure of immmmm^^^'i > t / forgiveness has since been granted, I do not yet feel that he deserves a Christian name. For it is the process of naming, as Adam named the animals yet received his,name from God, that sets us apart from the beasts. It is the process of inventive labeling which allows us to make logical assessments, to reason, to categorize, to define. It is the movement of feeling into the mind and mouth, transported on air to form an arc of understanding which allows us to love. That which violates this arc of communication is not of life - it is dead. It does not deserve a name. As before, my hands shook until ctoffee spilled and burned them, but they burned cold as the desire in my mind, flashing like remote fireworks. I was cool, so cool, refusing to |