OCR Text |
Show real was inviting me to bed with him. That must be the treason he had stayed on, why he had not returned to California or drifted down the road. I felt Brian's anger l i k e hot wind. I f e l t Ed's desire with the awe of someone who watches fireworks - remotely. "You ever had deja vu?" asked Ed. He was speaking over my head, to Brian. "Yeh," Brian said scornfully. Then h i s voice softened. "We've a l l been here before, a l l r i g h t . " For a time there was only the roaring silence of the r i v e r , and then he spoke again. 'Last time i t turned out in war. She's the one who decides." I had f e l t myself to be a p l o t of ground being bartered until Brian's words echoed through my soul. 'She decides.' I broke from Ed's gaze and went to Brian like a penitent child t r y i n g to regain approval. I embraced his waist. "I love you," I said, looking up at him. My voice trebled with the hint of a l i e . How could one love and mistrust all at once? How did one love two men at once as I did? How did one love men of God l i k e my father and yet love warriors and alcoholics and even r a p i s t s . I loved the entire valley -- the world, and each s t a r in the heavens. Could such monstrous indiscrimination be considered love? I must be my f a t h e r ' s fault, I r a t i o n a l i z e d . He had spread his love a l l around, given himself to eight women, and now added two more. He murmured endearments to each person he met, whether p a t i e n t or parishoner. Where was the l i n e between true love and lack of discernment? Where was the l i n e between love of others and narcissism, between love and lust? I did not |