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Show iu This set me to wondering about Brian and me. In Hawaii, our trance had been much more f u l f i l l i n g than I believed I would eVer experience. I t s beauty and poignance frightened me. been Had itAborn of the c r u c i b l e of Vietnam or had we yet to meet that test? Would we be granted only our few moments of joy, a body of time perfected in i t s balance between suffering and rejoicing? It seemed to hover j u s t above the bog t h a t was the war- a last bation of pure love. Thinking of the future beyond B r i a n ' s tour of duty was nearly impossible. I was t e r r i f i e d of planning, for fear my dreams would be swept away l y a telegram. Even when I ventured beyond death's yawning void to see us t o g e t h e r with our baby, I was terrified. He had k i l l e d a l i t t l e child! A c h i l d ! And he was in such pain, h i s soul v i v i s e c t e d . How would we survive it when he returned? Sometimes I almost d i d n ' t want him to come back, wanted i t to end with i t s facsimile of p e r f e c t i o n -- the sweet, tender gouge i n my soul t h a t had been made i n Hawaii. I thought sometimes t h a t he would die as Jeanne had, and that I would be l e f t alone, t o eulogize t h e i r memories. At other times, in my confusion, I believed t h a t Jeanne had given her !ife to save B r i a n ' s , that some heavenly t r a d e - o f f had been pacted f°r my sake. S t i l l , I began t o work evenings, to f i l l the gaps when I was n°t studying and to save money. It was good to be around people a§ain, serving them. _. My mother tended the baby; i f she Ninded the arrangement she d i d n ' t say anything. She seemed to sense that I was cracking beneath the s t r a i n - and she knew b e t t e r than ^St Wha+ -i+ mo^no +n n-rank |