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Show 5H I looked across the coffee t a b l e at my f a t h e r and thought how naive I had been. I had expected t h a t with Brian, my l i fe would be e a s i e r , freed from my f a t h e r ' s d i c t a t e s and the firm expectations of group and family. But Brian had offered nothing in place of my family s t r u c t u r e s . Nothing but drugs and beer and c o n v e r s a t i o n fraught with pessimissm. 'And the earth was without form and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep." My mind r e c i t e d the s c r i p t u re automatically, as though my t h o u g h t s had set a tape recorder in motion. Without form and void. Except for love. That existed, a soft luminiscence which I had no hope of g e t t i ng in return. Where had B r i a n ' s love gone? How does love just disappear? Was i t lack of love t h a t had ushered in his mistrust and a c c u s a t i o n s - or had h i s s u s p i c i o n s c a r r i e d over from the past, eroding love i n t o nothing. But how could I leave him? I had given myself to him, had staked e v e r y t h i n g on him. Besides, I f e l t t h a t I owed him my d e d i c a t i o n - a f t e r Vietnam. And I d i d n ' t believe in divorce. f a t h e r ' s I studied my'face, t r y i n g to imagine how he had looked m the days when he and Aunt Karen were young, j u s t s t a r t i ng out t h e i r l i f e t o g e t h e r . That knot of wrinkles between his eyes - had t h a t formed when he had l e t them go? He had t h e divorce _ touAbee/i described A as faafing l i k e limbs Atom from h i s body. How could a b e l i e f be more powerful than love of spouse and children? After the b i r t h d a y cake, my f a t h e r stood up. "We must leave, dear. I have to check on some p a t i e n t s on the way home." |
