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Show i"2 2- for its own sake was only ' v a i n and s e l f i s h ' as my father had once said regarding S a u l ' s prolonged education. Perhaps it was a selfish quest for u s e l e s s information - something to show off or get rich on, n a r c i s s i s t i c by any estimation. Brian nodded. "Schools are worst of a l l . Look what they do to kids, how they turn them off to t h e i r own feelings. They force them against the grain of natural curiousity and shape them into 'good c i t i z e n s . ' His voice dripped sarcasm. "Well I saw a l o t of 'good c i t i z e n s ' k i l l people and dig i t. They loved the war. One time I came up on t h i s guy - he was in my unit, a regular sort of dude, d i d n ' t smoke grass like most, but he seemed ok u n t i l we swept t h i s v i l l a g e . When I found him he was raping a g i r l - she was about fourteen. I nearly k i l l ed him. I wanted t o . When he looked over his shoulder he had somebody e l s e ' s face - you know who I saw when he looked at me?" I nodded and f e l t the blood leave my face. My insides felt like empty pods or cocoons. "I nearly k i l l e d him," Brian said again. "I wanted t o ." I knew that Brian had not stopped hating. I believed he even hated me, for my p a r t in h i s enlistment and simply because I had not been t h e r e , in t h a t h e l l - o n - e a r t h. I didn't know how to make up for the part I had played in his torment. I waited on him, indulging his every whim. He was mildly a p p r e c i a t i v e , and I f e l t him locking into this way of r e l a t i n g. "When I withdraw completely and I'm crazy as h e l l , wheel ffle into the sun and change ray l i n e n twice a day - will you?" he joked. But something in the way he said i t made me feel |
