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Show be right!" We help each other t i g h t l y . Shadows seemed to nip at the corners of our togetherness. He t o l d me of other horrors - of s t r a f i ng villages supposedly evacuated by a l l but VietCong, then finding tiny bodies in bunkers mortared i n t o rubble. He t o l d of the missions into the forbidden D e m i l i t a r i z ed Zone and Laos, how he had carried hack the dead body of h i s sergeant, h i s superior and only companion on the mission. "I carried him across my shoulders for ten miles of jungle. We don't leave our dead behind. But we leave t h e i r dead everywhere. They don't care. I t ' s t h e i r s o i l , t h e i r home." And when a l l words were spent, we l a y beside each other watching moonlight f l i c k e r across the ocean beyond our window, trying to personally piece t o g e t h e r the divided p a r t s of ourselves and the self we had formed in our coming t o g e t h e r . I searched for golden threads of love and understanding, but I was too between split within myself to o f f e r much, too divided b# my d e s i re to see that my husband survived and my sense t h a t the war was wrong, i t s methods and motives depraved beyond the i n e v i t a b le corruption of war. I f e l t divided between my wish to rekindle his love and respect for l i f e , to share the b i r t h of our daughter - and the sense t h a t I should leave well enough alone and leave him with the g r i t of h i s survival i n s t i n c t. "The worst thing i s t h a t you never know who the enemy i s. Sometimes i t ' s even your own.- more Americans defect than the government w i l l admit, and I ' v e seen more than one o f f i c e r shot hyhis own men. And t h e Vietnamese - well, you can never be sure which side t h e y ' r e on. It depends on who o f f e r s them the "ost money, food and p r o t e c t i o n ." "While I WAS an .Iftg-jyygpi.tfli ship, I talked with a North |