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Show Inside Out, 192 // was wrong of me. Regardless of how things were between your mother and me, what I did was wrong, wrong, wrong, in every possible way. I deeply, deeply regret it, and will do so all my life. Your mother knew about this rather early on, and she was convinced she could forgive me, and that I could forgive myself. She did all she could to encourage me. She was nothing but loving and kind But I couldn 't handle her kindness. I still can't. Joe figured out what was going on a while back. I'm sure that 'sport of the reason he started being gone so much He couldn't stand the sight of me. I don't blame him. In a way, I drove him to that new gang of his. In a way, I am responsible for his death I can't begin to tell you what knowing this does to me. I know this is a lot to take in, but I'm not done. I have decided to leave your mother and marry Belinda Don't think that I made this decision because of your letter to your mother last night. I think I decided it long ago. It just became more clear to me last night that I am only hurting people here. I'm not going to say that Belinda is my true love and your mother is not. I am not going to talk about people drifting apart, or not listening to each other anymore. It doesn't matter much what started the breakdown of our marriage. What it gets down to is that I find I cannot forgive myself, and I cannot live with your mother'sforgiveness, either. Belinda and I will try to make a life together. But this marriage will take work, too. Regardless of what you see in the movies, there is not a "soul mate" out there for you that, when you meet them, makes it OK to break your marriage promises and just switch partners. It's a myth At this point, though, I think that marrying Belinda is the right thing to do. But leaving your mother was never the right thing to do. Those things seem to contradict each other. But they are true. Can you understand that? I know that this letter, and my leaving, will hurt you deeply. I imagine you may not want to talk to me-maybe never again. I can't imagine your feelings of betrayal, although I try to. I have been torturing myselfwith the thought of your pain every day. The torture is my way of trying to pay for it, I guess. I know I never can. Maybe someday you can forgive me, although I know I have no right to ask that. Nor do I even have any expectation of it I won't blame you if you don't Out of respect for your feelings, I won't call you until I hear from you. I'll wait until you're ready. But, Terra, don't forget that 1 will never, ever stop loving you. If you ever feel ready to talk-about this or about axtythmg else. -I will be eager to hear from you. You can call me or e-mail me when you 're ready. Love, always, Dad |
