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Show 351 "He's sincere," I am saying. "He will try to make the home health idea work if it's possible." I am aware that he has advocated in my behalf before. The reason he knows about this issue is because he has already fought my Medicaid HMO to keep it paying for my expenses. Perhaps many times. Odd, I am thinking, how very ambivalent are my feelings. I am angry at the many medical mistakes that have brought me to this point. And I am also exceedingly grateful to that same medical profession for keeping me alive. I feel guilty being a drain on my family, on these doctors, on this hospital and on society in general. But I am angry at being perceived as a burden and reminded of it. I feel angry and starkly terrorized that after all my struggles to live, my life might be taken from me by something as cold as a political or economical decision made far from my bedside. And yet I doubt my value. Am I really worth all this? It is true that my very life is sometimes so casually held in the hands of so many on so many different levels. We stop on our way for a rare treat and before we are back home, we are laughing again. |