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Show 27 press together tautly and she does not respond and she is closing my door against the noise. In vain. It is not silent in my room. My heart is beating too fast. My breath is coming too rapidly. It is not me, I am trying to reassure myself It is not me whose chest they are shocking. I am alive still. See? I am trying to raise my hand to my face to assure myself of my continued existence but that is also a vain attempt. I have not recovered enough to move my hand that far up into life. I will just have to take my word for it: I am still alive. This is not me they are attempting to resuscitate somewhere else on the unit. Somewhere within me I am ashamed at this thought but only for a minute. I am mostly glad to be alive. Even immobile as I am. Just alive. Still a full-time student in the arduous school of Earth life. Darlene, a favorite nurse, pushes the door open into my room and is coming up to my bed. She is about to cry and my face softens because she is not afraid to be sad in my room, here with me. "It's Jack!" she tells me, "He's had a heart attack," and her voice is cracking. "I'd just checked him!" She is coming to check on me now. Perhaps more to see if I have somehow also suddenly expired in conspiracy with Jack. But instead of checking me she is putting her stethoscope onto the bed and searching her empty hands for reasons that are not there. She suddenly leans her face against my shoulder and sobs. I wish I could move my arms around her to comfort her grief. |