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Show Marriage, Motherhood, and Migraines 115 is inclined to nag him, openly or in her mind. "There is a sense of irritation about my whole being, from my heavy body to my surface-flitting tireless mind." "Last night," she wrote, "I dreamed 1 was waltzing to lovely delicate music. 1 long to do that now, lightly, fairly, carelessly. 1 wish 1 could go deep into some woods and lie close to moss and mould [British spelling] with the life in me beating against the new life in the ground. "18 "Sometimes," she wrote, "for no particular reason, 1 break out into uncontrollable tears, but soon regains control." She continued to attend a class in world literature at Weber State College. She had been reading about Queen Elizabeth and remarked, "It occurred to me that perhaps she has been at the bottom of the difficulty," which suggests that she may have decided the baby was a girl and she would' name her Elizabeth." But on April 10 she writes, "Will she [the baby] be strong and well and happy with the happiness that engendered her? Or will 1 bear a little boy to live the life 1 dreamed in my girl restricted days?" She does not care if only she "can make an inspiring and efficient mother and a thoroughly satisfying wife to Harold." She continues: On our trip to Paradise [home of her Uncle Barnard White in Cache Valley, northern Utah] 1 looked at the long new green of the leaves, the little lambs, the frail blur of the fruit blossoms, and say softly to myself, "soon the blossom of my girlhood shall bear fruit. Soon 1 shall know the greatest expe rience a woman can have. Soon 1 shall sound the very depths and the very heights of life 1 turn to the sweet, simple .... God of my childhood and the Ranch woods. May 1 have the courage to bear my child proudly and normally. "20 On April 20 they moved to Salt Lake City to await the baby's arrival. She waited almost two weeks before the baby arrived. Harold drove from Ogden to Salt Lake City each evening, "because he doesn't sleep well alone in Ogden." There is much in her diary about her love for Harold-about "the tremendous strength" and "sweet contentment" that he has brought her. She spent much of the time in the garden, talking to Uncle Henry |
