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Show GRAND CONTEST!Open to all Monocle ReadersVALUABLE PRIZESCosting neailySeven (7) CentsWill be given for the best answers to the following fascinating problem:Is Professor Wise wiseor otherwise? If wise, in what wise?FIRST PRIZE:ONE BEER CHIPFully WarrantedSECOND PRIZE:Three Toothpicks Made of Unadulterated Wood(Guaranteed under the pure food and drugs act)Send For Free ParticularsTHE UTAH MONOCLEMONSTROUS BREAKAWAY MONDAYthey left for the U on the hill. A matinee dance was planned. A collection taken up and all the sluffers went down to the gym to wind up the day.The dance started at two and the crowd was just beginning to have a zip roaring time when four deputies rushed in-Merrill, Marshall, Cummings and Bolin.Publish tetra-bissextilly by recalcitrant and obstreperous students, profs and regents of the University of Utah.Entered in the Ash Can at Manyhomes as second-class garbage.Contributory contumaciousness should be committed not later than May first and submitted in disguised hand ¦writing, so parcelled as to resemble an inoffensive package of Ruff on Rats.Direct all bills, bombs, infernal machines, and belligerent females at the Mangling Editor.SUBSCRIPTION STATES.One Year........................................Complete paralysisOne Semester....................................Mental inundationPhone: Blonde 1891.The assassinating editors alternate in sharing with the Editorial Chef the anathema for editing this sheet.EDITORIAL, STAFF.Editorial Chef and Business Bungler..............G. O. RUMMEYI D. R. TRUCKER Cauterizing and Percolation Manglers...........\ G, A. LIVER( M. P. NONOTAssassinating Editors........................... j f- *•PORTERS.DOTY HAVENOR, '17 JIMMIE BLOCK, '16BRIG YOUNG, '13 J. TRACY WOOTTEN, '17JACOB BOLIN, '14 T. PUJUMURAWAITERS.LUCRETIA MILES ADELAIDE EICHNOR In charge of Wine Room.................WALDEMAR VAN COTTDetecting, Investigating and I \ AMuckraking Force .J.................\ ^ TC W ~W 1\T TPolitical Construction, Dissection and) hot ™Fumigation Corps \........\ g§B JGraft and Corruption in PoliticsAlonzo Righteousness Watson DoesDirty Deal to Land Big Job ofMusical Society ManagerCreates Gigantic Organization toBeat How Anderson and JenUsClawson out of the Position.Alonzo Righteousness Watson, heretofore known for his purity, his frankness and open, honest dealings, falls, stoops to the level of a ward boss, to accomplish his vile political desires. From the first day of registration, Righte-Utonian vs. PromTerrific Battle in Junior Class to Tie Prom and Utonian Finances Tog-ether. Alwnzo R. Watson and Mary Capricious Home led the light."The Utonian belongs to the class." In an hortatory speech,' Mary Capricious honks this heinous heresy and demands reason why the class should not be responsible for the Utonian as well as the Prom. "Both the Utonian and the Prom are class activities. The class should not stand the dagger thrust of the Prom unless it receives the soothing syrup from the Utonian. I move you that all the Utonian accounts and profits be turned over to the class." Mary's speech was applauded both by L. R. Watson and his shadow, William Fierysuch falseness and such harshness should be due thanks, admiration, and glory, forever, is my prayer, Amen." The entire female attendance was now in tears and even Watson and Capricious looked a trifle glum.The Editor's eloquent and heart breaking plea was effective in shielding the Utonian sheckles. The meeting adjourned and the 1914 Utonian walked jubliantly over to Lucy's where it squandered (3 0 cents of graft money to feed itself and Hammond.Does Advertising Pay?YES, OF COURSE IT DOES!But it Must Be the Right Kind of AdvertisingMy Unexcelled Systemof Presistent PersonalPushing Pays PreciousProfitsGive Me a Trial on YourNext Campaign My Invaluable Booklet"Self-Booming"I Will Send for the AskingSAMUEL OLESONSALT LAKE CITYNever Mind My Street NumberDo You Dance Gracefully?I can teach youMy Dancing at the Prom is My RecommendationPrices $ 1.00 per lesson W. L. FELT"Ask Any Girl What it Means to Dance With Walt"CAN YOU PUN?Do you pun? Would you pun?If you would make a swish in society's whirl, then PUN. It's simple if taught correctly.FOR INSTANCERAY PUNS. Inverse it.PAY RUNS. The effectis obviousThey all have that characteristic style. "My puns are different."TEN PUNS FOR "FIVE"PAUL H. RAY31 HOLLOW SQUAREJUST OUTA Guide to EnglishHumorBy Ruth Kingsbury.Setting- forth the principles and rules for recognition and re-infliction of a joke or pun. Results of a life-time struggle -with that hitherto most incomprehensible of world forces-a sense of humor. |