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Show THE AUTHOR! THE AUTHOR!! BRING ON THE AUTHOR!!!Mrs. Butler-Is my boy improving any?Prof. Penman-He is getting worse every day, Mrs. Butler. His writing is so bad now that no living soul can read it.Mrs. Butler-How lovely. The darling! He'll be a great author some day.Mr. Butler (criticizing themes in English I)-'Every little plot has a danger of its own."THE SENIOR FOUNTAIN.(With Apologies to Longfellow).Should you ask me whence this fountain,Whence this brazen, gleaming, drink tankWith its four bright squirting nozzles,With its ruffly scollopped basin,And its dignified inscription,I should answer, I should tell youFrom the Senior class of UtahWith their hard-earned cash they bought it,With their cash hard earned or borrowed.From the far east came this fountain,Came this basin so artistic;For the young bucks known as SeniorsWould not drink from whitened bath tubWhich fair Lucy chose and set upIn the hallway of our school house.So they bought a Senior fountain;Sold their hair to buy this fountain,That the young bucks and fair maidensWho some day may become Seniors,May have water on the campus-¦Water plentiful and sparkling;They may drink of it and throw it;They may splash it with freedom;They may duck unruly Freshmen,Wash the greenness off the Freshmen;Since dear Prexy won't have hair-cuts,We'll have duckings in the fountain.-From the Junior Chronicle.Suggestions for them-titles might include "Hearing the knocks of the equinox."LOOK IN.It is easy to find fault if one is on the lookout; but most of us would discover a far greater number if we were on the look-in."Walter, how many weeks belong to the year?""Why, forty-six.""How do you make that out?""The other six are Lent."Professor-"And then, Mr. Sharp, what happened after Alexander the Great died?"Student (solemnly)-"He was buried."Gentlemen-"Sambo, did you ever see the Cat-skill mountains?"Sambo--"No, sah; but I've seen 'em kill mice."Of all sad things true love dispenses, The worst is this: Household expenses.A FRAME UP.We have in Salt Lake the best ventilated hotel in the world-The Newhouse.Small boy (noticing the Phi Beta Kappa key hanging from the minister's watch chain)--"Did you find it again or is this another?"Minister-"Why, my little man, what do you mean? I never lost it."Small Boy-'Oh, mother said you had lost the charm you had when you were young.""I give you my word, the next person who interrupts the proceedings," said the judge, sternly, "will be expelled from the courtroom and ordered home.""Hooray!" cried the prisoner.Then the judge pondered.A pretty girl was introduced to Paderewski at the close of one of his concerts. She wished to be affable, but was frightened half to death. After a moment she asked eagerly, "Of whom do you take music lessons?"JOHNNY'S CAREER AS AN OFFICE BOY.Monday, hired. Tuesday, tired. Wednesday, fired."What do you call your dachshund, Tommy?"" 'His master's voice.' ""How did you come to name him that?""Pop named him, 'cause his shape reminded him o' the phonograph in the flat right over our heads-thin music, long drawn out."This epitaph has been suggested for a dentist's monument:"View this gravestone with all gravity; below I'm filling my last cavity?""Oh, stay and put," the maiden said, "Your weary brow aga'nst this head." The youth looked up and all the more He shook his head-"Excelsior!"Don't be like the deaf man, recently married, who, when he asked if his bride was pretty, answered, "No, she is not, but she will be when her father dies."Poor worn out Prof. Lowrey says he will name his son "Macbeth," because said son murders sleep.Why do girls kiss each other, and men not? Because girls have nothing better to kiss, and men have.IT HAPPENED AT THE MEDICS' MATINEE.Doctor Gray was at the dance, When Edith asked with merry glance, "Doctor, don't you dance the lancers? "No, my dear-I lance the dancers."In the winter storms it snows, it blows-but the boy with the bad cold blows its nose.222 |
