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Show Moon - 248 shared, but it's a world I'm letting go of. I wish them happiness. I wish them love. I can see relief in their eyes that I'm leaving. Perhaps we'll find new ways to be together now and then. Maybe someday they'll visit Josh and me, and we'll hike on the skirts of the Three Sisters, go fishing in the river, talk about the future. ( The clouds outside the airplane are cast in bronze. I'm strapped into my seatbelt, a protection against falling. Soon it will be dark. I imagine row upon row of women swathed in white sheets, their feet in stirrups, asking the good doctor, "Is my cervix blue?" Why blue? Blue is a sad color, the color of cold, the color of not breathing. The color you are before you're born again. I have, I think, begun a new life just as it was about to end. Baby or no baby, it's inside me, the waxing and the waning, the ebb and the flow. The curse and then the change. I've been living on the brink of change. The change of life. When it comes, 111 carry it with me, jingle it in my pockets. I'll spend it, though more carefully now. Meanwhile, I'll get brave enough to ask Josh to come with me and have my blood checked to see if it carries the message of our child. And Til tell him the story of meeting my real father, and the story of James, for it's something he needs to know. He may recoil, seeing me, against his good intentions, as another kind of woman. If I'm not carrying a child, he may come to dream of someone young and ripe. Or he may be that rare person brave enough to embrace it all, which will force me to find out if I'm a person capable of love. There's danger, no matter what. |