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Show All the Variables & Other Love Stories 123 repeatedly rejected. I see that society rejects me, and assume an oppressive complex. Undesirable and spurned for it. I perceive the establishment to be against me. I label myself insubordinate and identify with other untouchables. She listens patiently, her arms folded, the electric bill hanging limply from one hand. When I finish she stares back at me appalled, sets her jaw, and takes a deep breath, as if enduring something. "Oh, honey," is all she can say, no doubt in awe of my deep socio-psychological insight. My days are spent filling out applications at retail shops, department stores, and supply warehouses. None of them are currently hiring. They will keep my application on file and call if any positions open. I am gracious in spite of my despair. At home I overhear Greta speaking to her mother on the telephone. She is crying softly and making up excuses for my disgrace. After hanging up she comes to me for comfort. She begs me to take a job, any job. I tell her I just want a job that won't make my life a living nightmare. She assures me no such job exists. That night while lying in bed something frightful occurs to me: I love Greta more than dignity. It sweeps over me and my whole inner-landscape is changed as if transmogrified. I have been suffering under a false ethic. I believed that I should be honest, and somewhere an employer would appreciate it and give me a job I could tolerate peaceably. I have been faithful to the wrong ideal, though; it is Greta who loves me even though I am unemployed. It is Greta who stands bravely beside me despite the great violence done to her relationship with her mother. My ideals seem cold, suspect in this new light. My body shakes all over beneath the blankets and I understand as of now, to continue this way will be to take Greta for granted. It is to she, who has never doubted me aloud, that my moral compass aligns. |