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Show All the Variables & Other Love Stories 76 Sex, Drags, and Rachmaninoff The Irrational Fear of Vaginal Teeth ANTHONY DIDN'T MEAN TO HAVE A PARTY WHEN HIS MOM WENT OUT OF TOWN ON a business trip. He only meant to have band practice in the garage, but once the band knew his mom was gone there was no keeping everyone else from finding out, and fifty people descended on the house Friday night. There was nothing Anthony could do about it. He halfheartedly opposed the party, but Feste, the drummer, pointed out that Anthony hadn't even been invited. The least Anthony could do, argued Feste, if he insisted on crashing a party he hadn't even been invited to, was not only to stop bitching about it, but to play the agreeable host, since, after all, the party was being held at his house. Anthony complied, though he never did feel right about having that many people over at one time. But he didn't want to get eighty-sixed from a party he was supposed to be hosting, so he kept his mouth shut and slunk nervously from room to room hoping nothing would get broken or stained or stolen. But he hoped if something did get broken it would also get stolen because his mom was less likely to notice a missing thing than a defective thing. Except carpet and furniture. She would definitely notice missing carpet or furniture so he really hoped nothing would get spilt. "If anything gets spilt," Anthony told Feste, "then god help us all." And by "us all," he really meant himself. He was on rocky ground with his mom as it was. He had no illusions about whose failure this signified. He was twenty-two- |