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Show All the Variables & Other Love Stories 117 How to Succeed at Unemployment (without really trying) Well, I'm not Mormon-let's get that out of the way. But I am honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and of good report, so long as you don't call the references on my resume. I'm punctual and hardworking. I pretty muchxkeep to myself unless you want me to be outgoing, professional unless you want me to be casual. My loyalty is the best interest of the company unless you want it to be the customer's satisfaction. I'm basically a labor whore-I'll be whatever you want and do whatever you want. Don't ask what I am. Tell me what you want, and I'll be that for rorty hours a week. What are my goals? I know I'm not getting out of this world alive. I have no material ambition so bonuses won't entice me to do any more than the bare minimum. What do I expect from an employer? A paycheck. That's all. I want my bills paid and maybe a little extra to take my girlfriend out on Friday night. I don't want benefits, discounts, friendship, or a sense of satisfaction with a job well done. I want to show up, do my job, clock out, go home, and actually live my life for a few hours-the one that has to be justified by selling myself to you. I didn't get the job. I don't interview well. I'm comfortable with that. I haven't had a job for three months now That's fine. I don't really want a job. I want to live. I've decided these two institutions are diametrically opposed to one another. Greta, my girlfriend, says the problem is I don't play well with others. She's getting restless. She says she has anxiety and cannot make love to me with a clear conscience knowing I'm pretty much worthless to society. She says her mother taught her to expect |