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Show I offer my services to responsible parties desiring companions to fill out a party in the bald-headed row.I am also an efficient light reflector to he used in indirect lighting schemes.Yours, baldly,JOHN BLOCKHEAD, E. L. R.Both the participants in the catastrophe declare that they are thankful to come out alive. It is not thought Komenearer's wound will prove fatal.PAYNE BREAKS RECORDWendell Payne, the prominent Junior and society slicker broke the University record the other night at the Newhouse when he stayed in the grill two hours and danced five dances on one bottle of gingerale. It is thought that this record will stand for some time as Payne has spent a great deal of time perfecting himself in his art. As he does not dissipate by paying checks or keeping early hours he should retain the title for the present season at least.* t- * * SOLILOQUY FROM "HAMLET US ALONE"By Dean Gibson.(Curtain rises. Gibson is seen on tiptoe on trail of unseen object.)I thought I saw, yes 'tis he-there, he escaped me-no, I see him (draws deep breath and then rubs it out because drawing does not suit him.)-It's a hard chase but I 11 get him (tone of firm resolve) - there, he has ditched me again-well, there's another one-now I have him- (note of triumph as Dean grabs student by collar) ,young man, are you not aware of the fact that you should be at the food conservation lectures or else at drill? I know it is tedious and you may have a legitimate excuse but if other people see you doing nothing at this hour they will think they have the same privilege-you will attend them from now on, won't you?(Student lies and curtain falls.)* * * *STUDENT SUCCUMBS TO THIRSTON UNIVERSITY CAMPUSMr. Sampson Oliver Drye, Barrister At the U., Meets Terrible Death.(By Edgarda Ellen Roe) The weeping over the deplorable fate of Mr. S. O. Drye has caused more moisture on the University campus than has been perceptible for months. Last fall Mr. Drye left his land of sparkling mountain streams to attend the University.He had always been accustomed to imbibe as much H20 as he desired, so when he arrived here it was very difficult for him to become acclimated. However, through necessity he had become able tosustain life with a maximum of 5 C. C. of water per day which he sucked from what has been termed "the fountain" in the upper hall of the Administration building.One fateful day this supply was shut off. Drye had eaten salt fish for breakfast and felt a brineyness within. A prolonged and heated law discussion had left his throat dry and parched.The aridness of the Class atmosphere had been most oppressing so' he rushed in frantic haste to his fountain (?) for moisture. Oh, cruel fate! No amount of persuasion could wheedle one drop from its rusty throat. In an agony of drought he turned himself away.In spite of the fact that S. O. Drye herded with the Barristers he had never indulged in anything more intoxicating than malted milk or Nekto. So his pockets were innocently devoid of alcoholic stimulants.He sizzled down the stairs to the next so-called Oasis but found it dry and dusty. He shook as with ague, his head reeled and his eyeballs burned. His tongue was swollen but by sheer force of his Samp-sonian will be forced himself half crawling, half stumbling to make the rounds of the remaining watering places only to find his worst fears realized. In the depths of despair he crumpled to die."His very tongue through utter droughtWas withered at the root;He could not speak no more than ifHe had been choked with soot."He had a vague idea that he smelled smoke and wondered when he would burst into flame. But at twenty life is dear and death held no prospect of cooling showers. So he drained his fountain pen at one gulf and with a vague hope he rallied his failing strength in a supreme effort to crawl to Dean Leary's Lizzie. He hoped to intercept those precious drops of greasy moisture which trickled steadily from a leaky radiator. But at the sight of his long lost H20 his heart action stopped.Dean Leary dragged Drye from under his machine and wondered if he had become asphyxiated, while in search of evidence to convict "Elizabeth" of crime.Dean Van Cott remembered distinctly seeing him reel intoxicatedly across the campus and was positive she could smell smoke. So she called a mass meeting and delivered a lecture on the dire results of excessive drinking and smoking.His loss is mourned by his fellow sufferers who know the cause of his sad demise.H. B. * * * *BULL-SHEVIKIYou are about to enter on the sacred path that leads to-let's see, I can't read this danged printing-the unseverable bonds of brotherhood. It is an eternal brotherhood which you face. Do you accept the obligations and swear to the pledge?-then, brothers, pin on him the badge of our order-and demonstrate to him the grip by which one may know a brother-brother, we greet you-er-have you got the initiation fee with you?Page Two Hundred Thirty-six |