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Show DogologueOF THE ITCODLDBEWORSITT OF UTAHPublished by the Utonian when the regents have left on their vacations. Kicked out of the postoffice as very second class matter under riot act of 1918."Then hew to the line, let the chips fall where they may."GENERAL INFLAMMATIONThe University of Utah comprises the schools of Hearts and Sighs; the Subnormal school; the School of Come and Find Us; the Lawless school, the Academy of Kill 'Em Quicks and the School of Mines and Engibeering.HYSTERIAThe University was founded in 1850 and dumbfounded in 1916 when Dean Gibson shaved off his whiskers. In November of the first named date the institution was opened and has been closed ever since. (at night). The only blot on a fine record is the act of Dean Bennion in stopping the baptism by immersion of an unoffending Freshman in the fall of 1917.The President of the University holds his job as long as he is able to prevent students from smoking cigarettes on the campus.The University gets a new building once in a while.Salt Lake City is a fine site for an educational institution such as the "U." It is the home of Judge Wilkins. When Utah went dry it made living lies of the steins that decorate the interiors of fraternity barns.BARNS AND SIGHTThe University grounds cover a multitude of sins. There are twelve buildings on the campus if you count the dog kennel and the janitor's retreat.LABORATORIESThe University has laboratories from soup distilleries to brain installers but as the bare mention of the word laboratory is prone to cause the deepest feelings of disgust and anguish in the tired student it is best to pass it over without further mention.LIBRARYThe library is a convenient annoyance. THE GYMNASIUMThe gymnasium has some fine offices in it.ATHLETICSAthletics and football are under the control of the athletic council when it is not too busy.FEES AND EXPENSESMay we intimate that fees and expensesare hell.SCHOLARSHIPSThere are numerous scholarships and prizes for intellectual endeavor-in the catalogue.WOMENYoung women are well taken care of both by Aunt Lucy and the numerous society slickers who haunt the college. Country girls who expect to enter in the fall should obtain a student directory or write to McGregor for information.RULES OF DISCIPLINEStuffing is forbidden but any studentwill soon become proficient at the art of proving alibis.It is not considered nice to call the president or any teacher above the grade of instructor naughty names.Smoking is forbidden although the University furnishes fine posts on which to scratch matches when the student is about to leave the campus.STUDENT ORGANIZATIONSThe associated students is the favorite servant of the professors.The University Dramatic Club is a mess. It does not think much of Falling Leaves.The Varsity Club is composed of "athlits" and Pug Warner.The Musical Society simply must be endured.The orchestra, ditto, also the band. (The latter now has a new tune.)Sigma Upsilon is composed of the literary elite who listen to lectures on the life and 'works of Browning but would rather read Horatio' Alger, Junior.Pi Delta Epsilon is composed of the literary lights who don't care whether they get news or just the truth.Urbana and Agronomia Debating Clubs have died.The Gleam is the co-ed's Sigma Upsilon but so much more intellectual and refined, of course.The "U" Techs are the cream de cream of the roughneck element.The Commercial Club is composed of Jack Harrington and one or two others. It obtains lecturers who find it expedient to have other appointments when they are scheduled to speak.Le Cercle Francais is a conspiracy for the purpose of disseminating chocolate and peanuts. The old and the young, the students and the merely stewed gather in this club and utter mushy sounds purporting to be French. Unwitting speakers deliver lectures in French, all their auditors putting forth great efforts not toPage Two Hundred Twenty-eight |