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Show laugh in the wrong place and striving to look as though they understood.Der Deutsche Verein and La Tertulia Espaol ditto.The Household Arts Club gives a dance in the gym once in a while, chiefly attended by Ralph Stiehl, Paul Stayner and Bry Thompson.The Beehive Club is a Senior organization membership based on the amount of pull you have with the judges.The Utonian is, among other things, a considerable graft, a rogues gallery, a comic section, a medium for the exploitation of personal likes and dislikes and a whole lot of work.The "U" Pen is a magazine coming out every once in a -while which affords professors to demonstrate their ability as literary critics in lengthy Chrony articles. Outside of its poems, short stories, cover designs, sketches and essays, the Pen is a pretty fair magazine.The Chronicle is a good paper especially for the fact that the editor will print nothing about Theron or Marjorie. Sometimes the Chrony hurts Aunt Lucy's feelings. Receipts from ads generally pay for at least six games of pool and a fifteen-cent lunch for the editor every day.There are eleven fraternities: P. D. T., B. T.-P., P. B. B., P. A. E., S. X., S. XL, T. K. A., P. K. A., B. T. P., P. D. E., T. S.There are four scandal clubs: X. O., G. P., A. X., D. E.ENTRANCEApplicants for admission should be at least as old as Keith Kimmerer but should have more intellectual ability than he possesses. They must be of good moral character and must not belong to the Camel Club. They must have at least fifteen units. A unit is the amount gained by bluffing one high school teacher for a whole year and consequently represents great effort.REGISTRATIONAt the beginning of the year all students must register. Registration consists of (1) shaking the President's hand, (2) wasting about two full days hunting for the people -who must approve your program, (3) signing up for everything you haven't the least bit of use for, the costliest courses, the sleepiest courses and the courses requiring the reading of a library of outside work, (4) paying a lot of money including the new library and laboratory graft, especially if you are in the Arts school.CLASSIFICATIONFreshmen are those who think the campus is beautiful and who hope some fraternity will grab them.Sophomores are those who think the campus is all right and who generally get the worst of class scraps.Juniors don't think much of the campus but find excitement.One Junior makes a lot of graft money on the Prom elsewhere.Seniors try to look as though they enjoyed it.REQUIREMENTS FOR GRADUATION(1) A good line of gab, (2) a substantial and varied line of tried and proven alibis, (3) stand-in gained by asking the prof foolish questions or inviting him to a dance or bust, (4) knowledge of the technique and methods of stalling.Finally, after faithfully observing all these precepts and prohibitions the student gets if he doesn't "weaken an A. B. or an L. L. B. or a B. S. (not as bad as it sounds.)And then in the catalogue come the curses of study but as the thought of study is unnecessarily tedious and tiring we consider this a good place to quit and reverently withdraw.D-AMEN OUR DEAB PROFESSORS"Take the trouble of inquiring about him whose conduct has offended you."'- Moliere.Professors, those unfortunate and misguided individuals who are too lazy to leave college when they graduate commonly fall into three distinct classes although there are many characteristics common to all varieties.The first and most obnoxious class of profs has attended Columbia and lets everybody know it. The method usually used to bring the scholastic superfluity attained by such attendance before the eye of the student is to remark casually and nonchalantly "We will use Doctor Nutt's textbook, the same one, by the way, I used "when at Columbia and, suffice to say, it is a good one."Another common expedient is to bring up, by way of illustration, the case of a "classmate of mine while I was at Columbia who made a thorough investigation of the slums of New York, he found et cetera," or again "Professor Whoosit of Columbia says this but I don't quite agree "with him. He called me into his class one day and said, 'Mr. Honkus, are you a Mormon?' When I said, 'yes,' he said, 'Great people and ever after we were fast friends.' "The second class thinks it is sarcastic and is slightly afraid of Aunt Lucy. This class numbers in its constellation a few individuals who have travelled abroad and to Murray. Most of the stellar performers in the aggregation deliver lectures at Ogden, Provo, Lehi, Moroni, and Knee-high on such live and original subjects as "Why the United States Entered the War" and the "Futility of Teaching Latin to Children Under Three Years of Age and to Cliff Springer." The only good point it is possible to laud to any degree in the makeup of the type is a tendency superinduced by too frequent lecture tours to miss classes. Professors in this class are prone to remark, "Oh, I see you have written yours in invisible ink" when you fail to hand in a sixteen-page paper designating an ability to paraphrase, though poorly, the work of a great author. When the student remarks in unconscious seri-Page Two Hundred Twenty-nine |