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Show 61 his instructions. But of late I have become discouraged. He does not seem to appreciate my efforts-to consider what I have had to contend with. I cannot be perfect, but I hope I will be more so than some I see. I will try and be patient and uncomplaining and hope for better days and for encouragment, though often the cloud looks dark and my heart feels like it would break. But thank Heaven there is one source of consolation-Prayer. January 18th 1872 0 what an error I have committed! Despite all my resolutions to be cheerful and uncomplaining I this night spoke to Milford of the ills and hardships of life. I said I thought there were many of our trials that were unnecessary when by a word or look of encouragment we could be made happy. I even accused him of being partial, of not being general in his conversations, etc., etc. He made no reply but took a paper from his drawer which he said he would read to me to prove how much I was mistaken. The afternoon had been spent in writing some lines to present me on my birthday. Oh they were elegant-full of pathos and feeling, speaking of my patience, of my disdain of complaint or murmuring, and Oh of those days to him so sad but to me so joyous for I could in a measure dispel his sadness. Oh yes, in his own language, when I was his "sunshine." All this was portrayed in his finest language and what is better still, were, I believe truly the honest sentiments of his heart. And Oh had I but waited only two days longer it would have been to me the richest most priceless boon my heart could crave, but to hear it under such circumstances it filled my heart with sorrow the most keen, the regret most poignant and unassailable. I reached forth my hand (although aware that I did not fully deserve such compliments) but he crushed the paper in his hand as if by the act he would obliterate every word it contained, as if he were free from any delusions he might have labored under regarding any uncomplaining nobleness. This is the most severe and cutting reproof I ever had from my husband. I think for the future it will not be unprofitable. But Oh when I reflect on what I have lost-how my heart aches with sorrow and regret. 0 if I could but be patient, if I only had that confidence in Milford and most of all in myself, that I was all right and not be so fearful of unap-preciation. 0 Father I beseech thee with all the energy of my soul that by patience and endurance and uncomplaining faithfulness I may deserve most perfectly the words I have heard tonight-the love, respect and esteem of Milford. January 19th This morning I feel depressed and feel as keenly as |