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Show CHRYSALIS pAQE n g It's been three weeks today. David and I have come to one conclusion. We believe - by faith alone - that somewhere, in some form, she is still alive. Oh, I wish we could tell you the feelings we have. I feel I'm beginning to accept her death and I. don't want to.1 I feel guilty for letting that precious darling slip away from me so easily. It seems like we have been robbed of the chance to fight for her life. It was so quick. In her death we weren't even given a chance to fight with all our guts for her. And I'm beginning to feel bitter about that. Another thing. It tears me in two to see a small blond girl playing. I can feel the bitterness creeping in. Why Kie and not her? Why not the grotesque old lady across the street, who lives on and on and on? Why Kie and not me? Why? Why? I hope this feeling passes soon, because it is a hate feeling and wrong. Nothing about Kie had any hate in it. The very worst is just plain missing her. I keep thinking she's at a baby-sitters, and I'm anxious to pick her up and bring her home. Oh my God, how I miss her. We finally went to her grave (how I hate that word) yesterday. It was about the hardest thing I have ever done. It wasn't marked yet, and there were several new graves. We had trouble finding it - we were almost frantic, then we decided on one because it was so small. |