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Show pg 10 An interesting insight is that the masks really do have power. They gave me the power to see a mask I was not willing to put on. A new paradigm opened up in which I saw the mask as a metaphor for the artist that I wanted to become. So, why was I unable to put on the mask of Illustrator as easily, with a simple mind fake, as my initial thesis suggested? It was because of all these damn hooks that plagued my brain. Hooks that constantly told me that it was not logical to pursue the romantic notion of being an artist. Hooks that told me it was dangerous. I asked myself, "What if? What if I pursued my illustrations?" The Whisperer finally came again and told me the course I was on was the correct course. And still, the same anxiety that I felt at the beginning of this process swept over me again. I now measured myself against all the other artists in the program. They all wore the mask of Artist well; their skills were amazing. I lacked faith in my ability, and my technique was so far behind that using mediums like acrylic paint made me feel like I probably needed to retake undergraduate courses. I felt like I was going to get exposed and caught as a fraud. I was panicked, but tried my best to live by the saying, "Fake it ‘til you make it." In my fear of being caught, I tried my hardest to mimic the work of my classmates in our figure drawing sessions. This fear was just another hook. The hook that I had in my head was the belief that in order to become a true illustrator, and to be accepted as an artist, I had to know how to draw the figure accurately, and in some ways be a realist. While helping put together a juried student show, I had an epiphany. The juror, 15 Bytes' Shawn Rossiter, made a statement pertaining to the difficulty of judging the student work. He noted that student work mimicked the style of the University's drawing and painting instructors. There were two camps that I could clearly see with my own eyes. There were those who created original artwork, and those who mimicked the work of others. Shawn favored the original artwork. This is when I saw my own weakness: the need to be validated. I had been mimicking what I believed to be real art. If I continued this course, I would be an imitation, just as invisible and overlooked as the mimicked art in the student show. This was an opportunity to examine and embrace what was different about my art within the context of the fine art world. |
