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Show evening she remembered every lesson and was as proper as a much younger child would have been, enthralled by the first holding of a boy's hand. "February 16: I have such a commitment to her now; it is no longer hollow. I should have known that every child demands that, and that any responsibility to a child cannot remain that as long as a single day. They will be taking Patty back permanently at spring break. They are using her as an example, so that other states will not be able to try the same thing, forcing us to find placements at all vacations. Ironic/ enough all of a sudden there have been at least four offers from staff members to take her home with them for the break. They would not have gone near her in her September state. "She had another fit the other day and I had people watching me as usual, poking and asking questions. But not out of any freak-show-wonder, it was more out of a genuine concern to know and understand her. Each time we go through one, we get closer to really communicating and analyzing what has happened, on a limited level. Her pain, her manipulation, her exasperation with my stupidity, are all so refreshingly real, that I can honestly say that I love her, as I would a puppy or a very young child exploring his environment for the first time. Creatures that do not, as yet, understand their own emotions or how to express them. The groping to experience, this fascinates me, as I am sure it does Patty. The resolution of rules escapes me- This time, Patty would go back with only slight hope of returning. And that would be in the Fall, after many more negotiations, and if new rules were not discovered in the meantime. She would come back with at least an academic regression, and I was sure, with no hearing aid. It was shaky that all of the medication might be resumed, as the teachers there had no control over the infirmary's decision to medicate. It was to keep the child from harming herself, they said. I felt helpless. There were three other children in my room and walking out would have served no purpose to anyone. This was my first year of teaching. My first awareness of each person in power choosing a set of rules most valuable to them -18- |
