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Show A PROPER INTRODUCTION-36 nature at such a time. George teases me about my long straight hair and Dad laughs a l i t t le and says, "Wait until you see Paul if you want to see long hair!" I can see Paul very clearly all of a sudden, as if he were here sitting in a half lotus on the carpet. He'd be looking up at us out of the sides of his large green eyes, and maybe he'd push his thick dark hair off his forehead, which would be puckered now with trying to puzzle things out. Now would be the time, if there ever will be one, to be close to him. Dad gets up for a can of beer and offers some to us. We shake our heads. George stirs the fire. A few ashes fall on his shoe. "What about the Jews?" I ask suddenly. The people in the circle stare. "They light a candle and talk about the person and remember." They look down at their feet, away from me. "Well, I_ think it's a good idea," I say defensively, feeling anger begin to billow up, unwelcomed, from inside. "Sitting Shiva," says George. "A fine custom, for them." he clears his throat, which has become pouchy since I last saw him. "But it's best to forget, to move on." Laura frowns and looks very different from my mother, although they were sisters. "Your mother was a Christian," she says. Margaret nods, her lips compressed, white. Dad, who is back his chair with another beer, is nodding, too, but because he's trying not to fall asleep. I feel the anger rise again. It is a clear anger. It has color. It shapes and defines me so that I feel very large and very certain. I narrow my eyes against the fire and see us in a forest shutting out the strange spirits outside our circle, closed off from the presence of the one-not-here. I want to shout, ^Tm here! Look at me! See me!" My hands flutter and my head t i l t s , I'm certain, and there's a l i t t le humming sound |