Expressing affection and love to young children

Few people would seriously contest the proposition that children need love. The belief that children thrive on love is not universal, but in our western culture it has become the foundation for the work of educators and parents (Kagan, 1978). Yet, for all of our certainty about the principle, the practice of giving love is often accompanied by confusion and ambivalence.

Expressing Affection and Love to Young Children = Few people would seriously con­test the proposition that children need love. The belief that chil­dren thrive on love is not univer-h sa1 , but in our western culture it as become the foundation for the work of educators and parents ~!ag~n, 1978). Yet, for all of our rta~nty about the principle, the practIce of giving love is often acco~panied by confusion and ambivalence. fo~ur ~esire to express affection b a child - by physical contact 0; bXP:essions of concern or love: Y glfts - may be displaced by :~ U?certainty about how the ectIon will be received or we mayh ' . ave concerns about becom- In,,,o ' im Ver mvolved. Adults also have self°rtap.t needs for their own -fulfIllment which are inde­~ ndent of t~e ple~ure derived m the chIldren In their care' ~~ .which are as fundamentai of theIr own growth as are those echild. be:a:ever th~ !5pe~ifics of the co ~o~, partICipatIon in an en­fe~ r lD which affection is of- ,accepted, exchanged. or re- By Alan Fogel, Ph.D. jected has important emotional implications for both adult and child. I would like to address the emotional dimensions of affection giving; the nature of each per­son's experience, rather than his behavior. In this discussion I plan to cover three main topics: The first deals with the personal mean­ing of the need for love; what do we mean when we say that the child needs love? The second topic is the link between love and de­pendency; how can we express love while retaining a sense of AlanFogW Dr. Fogel is Assistant Professor in the Department of Child Development and Family Studies. Purdue Univer­sity. He recei'L'ed his Ph.D. from the University of Chicago, personal autonomy and encourag­ing the development of autonomy in the child? And finally, some of the differences between adult­child and adult-adult love will be discussed. VVhatdoesitmeantosaythata child needs love? When a child stretches out his or her arms to us, we are likely to say that he or she needs a hug. We often refer to the need for physi­cal contact. Sometimes a child may seem sad or lonely, and we think he needs a few kind words or a gentle touch. Children seem to need to play and laugh with us. to be admired by us. and they need to be disciplined and restrict­ed by us. The expression of love can encompass adult actions which are positive (affection, play, and gentleness) and negative (punishment and control). This description of what the child needs is characterized by the fact that its terms are behav­ioral. referring to the actions of the adult. Psychologically, how­ever. a need is not something (Continued on page .40) ----------------------------------------------------------------DIMENSIONS JANUARY 1980 39 Affection and Love and possibilities. The need for needed by children, a dimension (Continuedfram page 39) self-actualization is experienced he describes as "disillusioning" external to the person: it reflects as a feeling of pride. achievement the child. The adult in the early some inner state, Needs are not or security: a sense that one is years tries to set up a more or less transmitted in our everyday per- competent and complete, exact correspondence between the ceptions of objects, actions. or How can adults express love in external world and the child's words, but rather in the language such a way as to be genuinely need. as described in the previous of personal feeling experience, responding to the child's needs? paragraph. As time goes on. how- What is the personal experience Robert Southworth (1968) devel- ever, this kind of world must be of needfulness? We experience un- oped the following definition, tempered by a new version of fulfilled need as a lack of some- "Love is an innate, permissive reality for the child: " ... the thing, as a feeling of emptiness or process that means one accepts, mother enables the child to allow incompleteness; it is as if some- has empathy for, identifies with. that though the world can pro-thing were missing. This feeling trusts and understands another vide something like what is may be accompanied by anxiety person. In addition, it means that needed and wanted. , . it will not or discomfort, or by feelings of one cares for others and wants to do so automatically, nor at the distress and helplessness. give of self, asking only for the very moment the mood arises or As we get older, we develop same in return, in an honest, open the wish is felt," psychological resources which relationship. This disillusioning process is allow us to cope more adaptively It implies an unselfish allow- akin to what teachers and parents with those feelings of emptiness. ance of others to become complete call discipline. The concept of The y?ung infant, for example, human beings without imposition discipline, however, deals primar-experIences need as immediate on their rights, and with theexpec- ily with the child's overt behavi~r an,d insistent, and he expresses tation that the integrity of each and the restrictions imposed on It thIS through uncontrolled crying, will not be trammeled." This by adults. "Disillusioning" refers The preschooler cries less often definition seems to take into directly to the child's personal but will show discomfort and account both kinds of need: the experienceratherthanhisbehav-anxiety in other ways. need ~or the things only adults ior and Winnicott's concept may In the case of sibling rivalry, can gIve, and the need for the se;ve to illustrate why sanctions for example, some children may things only the child himself can and limits can be felt as loving attempt to hurt or hit their provide. acts by the child. younger sibling while other chil- According to the British child To be disillusioned, the child dren become overprotective of the psychiatrist, D. W, Winnicott must first be "illusioned" by that baby, ~hey seem motivated by (1964), children need adults in world in which needs are met; he the desIre to not let anything harm three ways: The adult is needed must have developed a sense ?f the ~Jaby .(perhaps as a way of first as a living person; one who is trust and hope in himself and In deahng WIth their own desires to warm and available. Touch, sound the adult prior to any attempt to get rid of this new intruder). In and sight are not love, but they teach self-control. ~oth ca~s. the child's underlYing are the means by which love is f InsecurIty is apparent, expressed and felt, Second, the Often the child's inner sense 0 , Accompanying the n~d there ad~lt presents the world to the unrest motivates him to draf!1a- IS l!sually ~ome desire or wish chIld. ~he world may include the tize to rebel, or to get aggreSSIVe, v:h1ch prOVIdes a specific motiva- adult hImself or herself. The adult So~etimes aggression c~n be eXt t!onforthechild. The child would !llust provision that world with pressed as curiosity orexcIte men lIke to have that emptiness filled Just those things a child needs so As adults, we must be able to !ec-up; he would like to have the dis- !ha,~ inner desires develop slowly ognize the types of inner f~eh~: c?m,fort ~elieved. The example of In a ?alief that the world can which may motivate behavIOrkld sIblmgrIvdalryHlustrates how the contaIn what is wanted and should also try tOfheW thei~ ~n same !lee c.an be accompanied needed," that is, a sense of hope cope with those ee mgs by entIrely dIfferent motivations ~nd trust in the world acceptable manner. deTpehnedrien'g onI the chl'ld. ' Th hI'dS the rne of trust- has b"""""n W e may prev ent a c hOI ldt ofrtohIeIrl ,IS a S? another kind of ec De in both theo..., (Erikson d ugges need whIch chIldren e."...' perl'ence 1950) and, I-n modern• .r1 esearch on, hittingf a peer assni ngs hI.S f rus tra-the need for self-actuall'zatl-on' d It h I ways 0 expre - ~ auton- (M a ,u -c 1 d relationships. Mary t' r r hIS need lor b aslow. 1968), PsychologI'sts A Inswort h and her colleagues lOn, aOnge ·0 y restrI• ct a child's egan, to notice that once the (1974) h omy. r we rna . L-Aies . . ave found that a warm, 1 t' f hIS or our [)t.IU emptmess-based need has be s t exp ora IOn 0 , h d Us pic-filled. children tend to behaveeI'nn ensl. IVe ~arly caregiver-child and provide him 'Yit 0 h;Ipto relatIon.sh,Ip_ promotes self-confl-_ t ds WhICh may moore cr.eative and pla~ul ways de ures, or wor al curio- It .il. nce., In.Itiative and emotI'onal t' fy h' tu .... l sexu IS as If the child had a need to' sa IS IS na ~ .. I securIty In children. 't earn and grow; to challenge him 51 y. . herself and create new problem~ .Winni.cott goes on to add athirrl The adult's love in these ~:~f ~-=~~~ ______ -:~~:: ____ •. ~d~I~m:e:n:S~I~o~n~o~f~h~o~w~a~d~u~l:ts~a~r~e~ __~ t~io~n~5~i~s~n~o:te~x~p~r~~~se~d~b~y~t~.be -- 40 DIMENSIONS JANUARY 1980 Affection and Love (CO'Iltinuedjrom page 41) limit setting itself, but by the adult's expression of acceptance of the need which motivated the ehild's unacceptable behavior. This is what Southworth meant by love as a "permissive process" - the adult gives sanction to the child "to be" and "to feel," but not necessarily to do that which may be harmful to the child and to others. This idea is also reflected in the writings of Maslow (1968) and Ginott (1961). What is the adult's experience in relation to the children'! . When a child expresses a need, It may evoke within the adult sol?e immediate reaction to the child. That children can and do affect ~d~lts' feelings, desires, and behavIOr IS now a well-established phenome~o~ (Bell & Harper, 1977). This Immediate reaction may depend on a variety of fac­tors, such as how relaxed or tired or busy the adult feels on other competing adult needs, on the ne~ds of other children about which the adult must be aware or even Upon how much the ad~lt honestly likes the child. In a few ~!lSes, the adult's immediate reac­UIO! l to a child is spontaneous and nlVersal, as in the let-down re­~ pon~e of nursing mothers which hu~tIva~ed by seeing or hearing a . gry Infant. In most cases our nllmed' late response is tempered by our own unique developmental and cultural history as individuals. The range of individual differ­ences between adults is vast. Some can tolerate high levels of noise and activity; others can't relax until children are quiet and calm. One adult will look on a child's aggression in an accepting way; another will feel threatened and angered by it. Adults will also differ in their willingness to meet children's needs and in their personal reac­tions to a particular need, reac­tions which may range from repug­nance, to indifference, to warm acceptance. There may be more to the adult's total response to the child than the immediate reaction described above. There may also be a con­temporaneousempathicresponse, (Continued on page 42) Wanted: Research Reports to be presented at the 1980 SACUS Conference In Roanoke, Virginia, March 26-29. Research Theater will run concurrently with the program all day Thursday and Friday, March 27 and 28. Work should be related directly to children under 6, their education, families, etc. Persons Interested In presenting should send proposals of their research, IncludIng the following, by February 20, 1980. Presenter's name, title and professional affiliation P~esenter's mailing address, including zip code Title of Research Report Abstract of Report (This will enable Research Theater Chairman to make respons.ible decisions ~oncerning inclusion in program. With space editing, this will a/so be u~ed to place In Conference literature so that participants may make choices about reports they Wish to hear.) A~diO-visual needs (keep to minimum) Time Frame of proposed report (20-30 minutes is suggested.) Send to: Margaret McIntyre, Professor, Early Childhood Education George Washington University, Washington, D.C. 20052 ----------~----------------------------------~------------------------ DIMENSIONS JANUARY 1980 41 Affection and Love (Continued/rom page 41) a feeling in the adult which is the result of the adult's conjecture about what the child might be feel ing. Empathic responses are based on recollections of some­thing one felt in the past in a sim­ilar situation. This is not simply a matter of seeing the world from the child's perspective - a feat which is purely cognitive. Rather, the adult identifies with the child by re-enacting his or her own experiences which the adult presumes are related to what the child is currently experiencing (Olden, 1953). This is a cognitive effort to the extent that the adult must make ajudgment or evalua­tion of the correctness of the empathic response, but the actual empathic reaction, whether or not it matches the child's experien­ces, is always a feeling experience for the adult. If a child bruises his knee from a fall and cries, the empathic response involves a re-enactment of a similar hurt which the adult has experienced. In this sense, when the adult makes a sad expres­sion and says comforting things to the child, the adult is respond­ing and reacting to a re-living of his/her own pain, a pain which the adult now identifies as being what he/she believes the child to be feeling. This is different from our ordinary concept of "taking the role of the other," which is part of most theories of cognitive development (Kohl berg, 1969; Mead, 1934). Theempathic reaction, therefore, does not depend entirely on one's level of cognitive development_ In addition to having the cognitive capacities to separate self from other, one must also be willing and able to recall and re-exper­ienee the pain and joy of one's own childhood. This can be difficult since past experience is often laden with sanctions such as "it is over and done with" or "it is too painful to recall." Empathy for children is differ­ent from empathy between adults because to respond empathieally to the child, the adult must re­enact a long-ago past. A child's 42 DIMENSIONS JANUARY 1980 unruly or over-emotional behav­ior may be a threat to the adult who has struggled hard to win a sense of control over his or her own activities and desires (Olden, 1953). For example, a child might break something or be messy or loud. For some adults, this behav­ior represents a symbolic destruc­tion of the adult's achievement of order, peace, and cleanliness, so the child is seen as a threat and the adult feels insecure. It is often easier to feel empathy for another adult who has the same values and same capacities. Ambivalence vs. Certainty In Expressing Love to Children The two sets of feelings expe­rienced by the adult - the imme­diate response and the empathic response - may be harmonious. The adult may experience a need to give and receive affection from the child, plus a desire to hug the child (immediate response) and at the same time have a sense that the child has a need to be held (empathic response). Or the adult may desire to be alone and simul­taneously sense the child's wish to be left alone. In these cases, when the em­pathic response is correct and it is matched by the immediate reac­tion, the adult has the feeling of certainty and security - the action taken "feels right" for both the adult and the child. The same process works in discipline situa­tions when the adult's desire to impose some limit (bedtime at 8 o'clock) is matched by the adult's empathic sense that the child feels genuinely tired at that time. In these kinds of situations, it is most likely that the child feels fully appreciated and loved by the adult, and it is also when the adult feels the most gratified that her love is felt by the child. In the first few weeks of life, the mother's desire to nurse is matched by the infant's desire to feed; the mother's satisfaction at gazing at her baby matches the baby's strong preference for look­ing at faces (Freedman, 1974). These mechanisms are biological ~arantees that emotional bonds wIll take root between child and adult during the first few days. As the child gets older, the achievement of this bond depends increasingly upon joint experience and the adult's familiarity with the child. So those perfect matches between adults and young chil­dren, when they occur, are usu­ally the product of a lot of hard work which has been invested in developing a special and unique relationship with each individual child. But feelings of uncertainty may creep into an adult's awareness about his or her relationship with a child. Adults may have con­cerns about the appropriateness of expressing love to a particular child at a particular moment, such as can I ever give enough to make the child feel truly loved? If I can't or don't want to meet t~e child's needs and demands, wIll he still feel loved by me? Th.ese dilemmas have their roots I? Situ­ations in which the empathiC a~d the immediate reactions are m conflict. For example, a baby's cry makes the adult empathically a~are of the baby's need but the Imme­diate response to the baby m~fI involve fear that the infant WI become too dependent on the adult's continued presence .. Thd adult may feel used and confIn.e and may desire to ignore the m­fant, at least for a ~hile. Whet~~ that desire is carried through pends on a complex set of exter-nal factors (Dunn, 1977); ss- One factor is the adult s ass~ ment of the urgency of the n ' both in herself and in th~~d~~: The isolated mother may The perate. to get out of the hot~~aIth baby's age and state 0 'd r become components for c~n~~dg~ ation, affecting t~e 4~~:i~fant ment of the capacl~ 0 If things for greater self-reliance. . to go very well, the adult ~gI~Stbe feel used and confined atJu.s to time when the infant begIn:t·es I tory capacl I develop self-regu. ~ . (Winni­for delay of gratifIcatIOn cott, 1964). .' an infant. You can tell thIS In be-for example, when the d~Z"and­comes less insistent, Ie~ It's need ing. In this case, the a t~e child'S for independence a~d loping" in capacity for it are eve:.:.--- synchrony. And there was syn­chronyso long as the adult's desire to provide coincided with the child's feelings of helplessness. A conflict arises when the im­mediate reaction of the adult is to provide and cuddle regardless of the child's need for such a re­sponse. If the adult can recognize his or her own' need to love and cuddle her baby, and at the same time recognize her baby's need to be more self-sufficient, the adult will defer to the infant and seek other outlets for her need. Often the adult's need to ex­press love may block the adult's ability to empathically perceive the child's need for independent growth; the adult may fear losing the child's love or losing what she sees as a very important part of her self-image as a nurturant per­SOn. When this happens, the adult unknowingly pushes the child to greater dependency. Another alternative is that the adult empathically perceives the child has a need for love but ~ows this perception to al~ays take precedence over any of her own needs. This self-sacrificing attitude eventually leads to an accumulation of inner directed tension, anxiety and anger be­cause the adult's own feelings of emptiness go unrecognized and, therefore, unfulfilled for so long. The adult in this situation needs to be able to assess, approve and prioritize her needs, then recon­cile their fulfillment with other responsibilities and demands. It is important to remember that interacting with children is a process which takes place over a long period of time. In that pro­cess there is rarely a time when immediate and empathic reac­tions are perfectly matched, but we attempt to work toward some balance over time so that neither we nor the child feels incomplete. The deeper conflicts are not simply the result of a single ex­change between adult and child, but of a process which unfolds over weeks and months in such a way that the balance of need sa tis­faction gets tipped in the direc-tion of the child or the adult for too long a duration. Giving and Receiving Love All children are dependent in some respects on the adults around them. Making children independ­ent in the sense that they never need to rely on us or on others is not a desirable goal. Rather, we must give them the capacity to recognize their own needs and desires, to gain control over them, and to teach them appropriate ways to meet those needs. Erik Erikson (1950) stressed the importance of what he called "autonomy," by which he means a child's sense of self-control to rely or not to rely on others as needed; a sense of self from which springs good will and pride. If the adults have been sensitive to both their own and the child's needs and desires, the child will develop faith and trust in that adult's ability to help as well as a willingness and capacity to share his joys and his difficulties with the adult. (Continued an page 44) NOVA UNIVERSITY is pleased to offer an off-campus master's degree program for child'.care directors and administrators. Salient features of the Program include: • materials and activities developed expressly for this new Program, for this group of child care leaders • integrated program design ' • off-campus, independent study format • self-paced program of studies and activities • continuous admission Because the curriculum draws heavily on the ongoing management responsibilities of preschool child care administrators, admission is neccessarily restric!~d,topersons who\~y~ .. such responsibilities. To receive a brochure d~~'~ri'6ing th€;Pr~'~m, please write to: '; Director. National Child Care Programs )¥;<Nova University ">3301 College Avenue 'Ft. Lauderdale. Florida 33314 '...,.<'1 :l1 Nova University is an affirmative action employer and practices a poli~ of nondiscrimination in employment and admission, ------------------------------------------- DIMENSIONS JANUARY 1980 43 Affection and Love (Continued/rom page 43) . Dependency :efer~ to the kl!ld of relationship In which the child stays with the adult, not out of trust, but out of fear or ~reed or because the child c?ntInues to hope that his needs Will be met. In his review of curr~nt research on childrearing, Martlp Hoffman (1975b) found that children who were popular, secure and self­confident were more likely to help others than children who do not receive social approval (St~ub & Sherk, 1970), and those chIldren whose families expressed a large amount of physical affection were more likely to help others than children who did not get much affection (Hoffman, 1975a). ~of~­man writes that "perhaps egOIstic need fulfillment reduces preoccu­pation with one's own concerns and thus leaves one more open and responsive to the needs of others" (Hoffman, 1975b). , If the child were fully capable of empathy, he should be able ~ identify with many of the adult s feelings and to recognize these feel­ings as belonging to t~e inJ?-er reality of the adult, a realIty wh!ch the child would have to perceive as independent from his own. According to Hoffman (l975b), children are incapable of identi­fying in this way with an adult's complex array of experiences until they have at least begun to develop a stable sense of their own iden­tity, beginning around six to nine years of age and continuing through adolescense and young adulthood. Children under six have very strong feelings for and about their parents and teachers, but it seems unrealistic for the adult to expect mature forms of empathy from the young child. This means that if adults who raise or teach chil­dren are to acquire their own sense of fulfillment, they are more likely to succeed by sharing the joyS and difficulties about their children with other emotionally mature adults. In terms of the adul t's world of personal experience. work with children can be particularly frus­trating. Because children have 44 DIMENSIONS JANUARY 1980 the whole array of human needs and desires - to develop ~ompe­tence, for physical well-bem~ and material security, for emotIOnal security, for acceptance and the need to belong, for play and t~e need for diversity, for aesthetic satisfaction and the need for beauty and order, and for .love - they can move and excite the adult in much the same way that another adult might.. ,. But because of children s l!m­itations with regard to appreciat­ing how they affect us, ad ul ts .are faced with feelings and desl~es that can never be worked out With the original sources of those d.e­sires (the child). Adults and ChI~­dren alike are affected by other s behavior, and they both fee~ the need to be loved and reCognIZe~, but the purveyors of empathiC love are almost always adul.ts: There is a good deal of clInIcal and research evidence to show that adults who have the most trouble working with children are those who have been cut off from the supportive peer networks of the adult world (Sutherland, 1972). The loss of adult peers, parents or spouses can h~ve. a serious affect on the parents abIl­ity to deal with their children (Wallerstein & Kelly, 1977). Teachers need to have an institu­tionalized network of colleagues, supervisors, conferences and work­shops - not to mention friends and family - in order to share and work through the feelings generated by their work with children. I have avoided giving specific rules about when to use or not to use physical affection, kind words or negative sanctions. Each of these behaviors could be used in a loving way or in a way which ultimately meets the adult's needs more directly than those of the child. Rather, I have tried to focus attention away from action to feel­ing and to motivation. I submit that the art of teaching (and par­enting) is partly technique - the mastery of one's own behavior and of a set of educational mate­rials -and partly self-discovery. We must be willing to probe the depths and sources of our own feelings if we are ever to get in touch with the needs of our children. Acknowledgements I would like to thank ~uth Bogdanoff and Elaine Dolch for theIr helpful com­ments during the writing of this paper. References Ainsworth, M., Bell, S_, & Stayton, p. Infant-mother attachment and SOCIal development: Socialization.as a pro­d uct of reci procal res~nsIVene(~d ~ signals. In M. P. M. Rlch~rds. ., The integration of a chIld ~n~~ a social world. New York: Cam rI ge University Press, 1974. & Har r L V Child effects Bel~~ ~d~lts. HilkI~le: N;w Jersey: Erl-baum. 1977. . ~ team- Dunn, J. Distress and dl~c;;m ~d Uni­bridge, Massachusetts. arv versity Press, 1977. . N w E rl' k son, E . Childhood and socIety. e York: Norto(; li:2~an infancy: An Freedman, D.. t' e New Jer-evolutionary perspec IV . sey: Halsted Press, 1974~t and child. Ginott, H. Between pare New York: Avon,l~6t~' behavior and H ff M L AltrUls IC aI oman, . h'ld elationship.Journ the paren t-c. I rd Soc' aI Psychology, of Personahty an I 1975 31 937-943. (a) tal synthesis ' M' L Developmen . Hoffman, ., 'r and its implIca-of affect and C?~I lO~tivation. Devel­tions for altruIstIc m 1075 11,607- opmental Psychology. ' 622. (b) R & Zelazo, P. Kagan, J., Kearsley, • "human deveJ­Infancy: Its pla~e m Massachusetts: opment. CambrI?ge, 1978. Harvard UniverSIty Press'nee' A cog- Kohlberg, L. Stag e and tsaelq uaep pro.a ch t 0 nitive developmen A Goslin (Ed.), socialization. In D; Ii~ation theory Handbook of ~cla . Rand McNallY, and research. ChIcago. 1969. d sychology of Maslow, A. H. Towar . \Pan Nostrand being. New York. Reinhold, 1968. society. Chi- j' Mead, G. H. Mind. self ~nd Press.19~. cago: UniversityofChlC:;hy with chil- Olden, C. On adUltJytmfc Study of the I dren. psychoan ., Ch'ld 1953 8, 111-126. d learning. i I, 'SLovean 1 Southworth, R. . 1968 13 215-22 ~ Young Child!:!:. N eed fo~ approv i: Staub, E. & Sher: behavior, and rec I children's sharll~g Cbild DeveloP" ! procity in sharmg. ~3 ment. 1970, 4~::-~dY~ffam~lyrel;~ I Sutherland,J.D. rarY society. f I tionships in con tempo redicament 0 I, P. Lomas (Ed.), The.P Hogarth press. the family. London. un- 1972. . J & Kelley, J. DI'v orcecfoal !1i- !' Wallerstem, . 'ty service for . an , r g: A commUnI AIllertC se m . -d to{divoI'Ce. 1971, l lies in the ml ~rtbopsychiatry. Journal of amiI1 .47: 4.22·D W The child. th~~ I Wmamndc ottht.e o• uts"ld e world. B 964 ___ Penguin Books, 1 .