Abe Martin on the war and other things : being a full year's review of the sayings and doings of Abe Martin

A compilation of one-liners by Kin Hubbard, creator of the cartoon Abe Martin, including some related to the war then underway in Europe.

«(n33“1::51- 3 ~, 3' A! I.” - < fillr'ls .‘ A: v :-__A A <,; ‘33:; -» ‘ ii”! 16;?!“ng 3 b |_ {3:}: «A. ; z'.. In Hnnm mt Cherry Sale Brown A Ci {1 01‘ .mems fi..13m..1n.y,a!.n!{lie 2.14.1--. -.... ‘ \ Janet B. Lear mug» "‘WNW z -- _,. ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS —being a full year’s review of the sayings and doings of Abe Martin and his Brown County, Indiana, neighbors, including several articles of some length. Compiled from The Indianapolis News and revised, edited and illustrated by the author ABE MARTIN PUBLISHING COMPANY, INDIANAPOLIS ONE DOLLAR NET TO JOHN R. JOHNSTON OF PITTSBURGH, MY FRIEND THIS BOOK IS AFFECTIONATELY DEDICATED ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS Gus Metwurst has bought $500 worth 0’ Liberty Bonds on account of his name. 35 ’7‘ Eatin’ a large Northern Spy apple ’11 appease th’ cravin’ fer strong drink. 1?; ‘4! “I wuz jest tryin’ t’ think t’day when I’d seen a long mustache or a livery barn,” said Tell Binkley, this mornin’. (3) Y Who remembers the ole-time street faker that used t’ say, when he sold a bottle 0’ liniment, “Thank you an’ you’ll Abe Martin of Brown County, Ind i- aria. thank me when you come t’ use it”? -ABE MARTIN ON THE Th’ feller who says, “I’m fer th’ United States, but—” is still yeller. % It’s gittin’ so more fellers git away safely that break in a bank fer money than those who marry fer it. go; Jake Pash wuz buried under a tourin’ car t’day while returnin’ from a wet town, an‘ it took four doctors t’ pick th’ glass out 0’ him. (0‘) 3!! Miss Fawn Lippincut, who went t’ Bunker Hill last wheatless day, writes that she’ll prob’ly not return before th’ second meatless day in December. WAR AND OTHER THINGS Professor Alex Tansey is wearin’ lay down collars with his Prince Albert till peace is declared. G) 31! A rough lookin’ stranger soundin’ like a tub full 0’ dishes excited th’ suspicions o’ Constable Plum, Friday, an’ as a result, enough liquor wuz confisticated t’ cut a street through. % What’s become 0’ th’ ole timer that used t’ talk about th’ days when th’ sky wuz so full 0’ wild pigeons that a feller had t’ carry a lantern? (3) 31! Speakin’ 0’ shoes, how’d you like t’ be a blacksmith an’ have t’ buy a new apron? ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS Private Stew Nugent, 0' France, has asked President Wilson fer a demit as he haint satisfied. 6) 3%: When somebuddy told Lafe Bud about a feller that got married on Monday an’ Next t’ havin’ a boy in th’ army ther haint nothin’ that brings th’ war home t’ you like buyin’ a pair 0’ shoes. gig wuz killed by th’ cars on Tuesday, he said, “Oh, yes, but that wouldn’ happen (once in a thousan’ years.” Dr. Mopps has worn out five fountain pens since th’ state went dry. ‘3) ‘3‘) w Hain’t it refreshin’ t’ meet a girl with a straight flush these times? , Never try t’ polish a celluloid collar while it’s warm. 3:; :1; Next t’ a country pustmaster on a hot August afternoon ther hain’t nothin’ as slow as a lot 0’ people filin’ out of a nickel the-ater. Some folks have so much confidence in themselves that they try t’ describe an ache. ’ ABE MARTIN ON THE Uncle Niles Turner, ninety some, has accepted th’ rear—admiralship on Gabe Knoll’s tractor plow till th’ war’s over. rg: as VF -rrI-IW w mgr _~ 54-g'gufi‘fi'8‘figfij WAR AND OTHER THINGS Miss Gert Bud’ll wear her skirts still shorter t’ offset th’ depression caused by th’ war. $1 Constable Plum has ordered all heated Tipton Bud wuz operated on by a corn shredder today. % Men never economize. It’s their wives. \Ys; discussions stopped till th’ coal situation gits back t’ normal. g A new bunch o’ bananas wuz unveiled at Morgantown t’day. 3:; Some folks have even got nerve eno ugh 1 borrow an automobile. Nobuddy but a purty girl kin git by with an ugly disposition. ‘ . _ . ABE MARTIN ON THE One 0' th' funniest things brought about by th' war is th‘ girl wearin‘ $14 shoes an’ a hungry look. (‘37 ‘11 Remember when you couldn' git a photergraph taken unless th‘ sun wuz shinin’? (a; In speakin’ o’ prohibition. t’day, Tell Binkley said that he finds that lem on extract bottles penetrate a tire almost, if not more, readily than th’ regulation beer “Spealiin’ o’ airplane production, a fellcr don‘t know which t’ believe—th’ newspapers or th’ movin’ pictures,” says ex—Editur Cale Fluhart. a?) .‘v ,r rh We can’t help thinkin’ that th’ woman 0’ th’ house ought t’ wear th’ silk. 1?; Ther’s lots 0’ dandy recipes fer leftovers, but no leftovers. 23? bottle. ‘3: 6) Y What’s become 0’ th’ ole-ti me mother that used t’ chew a piece 0’ meat an’ then give. it t’ th’ baby? WAR AND OTHER THINGS We often wonder if th’ feller that rides a motorcycle don’t feel like shakin’ hands with himself when he gits some place. WAR AND OTHER THINGS Joe Taylor, cement worker, is makin’ Liberty muffins at th’ Little Gem till th’ war subsides. Ever notice how a lady killer fades after he gits married? ‘ A beautiful knittin’ bag containin’ a package 0’ corn starch, nine turnips an’ a eyebrow pencil awaits th’ owner at th’ Fairy Grotto the-ater box office. :1; “Sometimes when opportunity knocks Miss Pet Moots has announced her engagement t’ a rich riveter. we’ve been eatin’ onions,” Fawn Lippincut t’day. said Miss ABE MARTIN ON 'I‘l-lli Mrs. Min Nugcnt, cook o‘ WAR AND OTHER THINGS tli‘ Palace hotel, has received word from her son. Stew. sayin‘ “I‘m chcckin‘ France.” {uns in Hain’t ther some kind 0’ war work th’ old scouts could do? \‘39 «gr if; Th’ feller that used t’ boast of his mother's cookin’ now has a married son that brags on th‘ way some Busy Bee fixes things. Miss Bunny Moots is learnin’ a trade, preparatory t’ her marriage next July. 3 9?, $15“ ,n We all know th’ feller that tries t‘ git When you see three fellers in stairway ther’s a half pint hard by. a int’ your good graces by sayin’, “I heard somethin’ nice about you th’ other day, lTth I can’t think what it wuz or who said it.” 93) w Ther hain’t nothin’ you kin buy that you git stung worse on than friendship. 13’) «v» m Mrs. Lafe Bud bought a new antcolored tablecloth t’day. ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS OLE AGE AN’ USEFULNESS While spendin' thanksgivin‘ day at his uncle’s a drum stick Jammed on Lafe Bud an’ it required heroic effort t‘ save him. :3 “If th’ Belgians have felt Uncle Ez Pash’s return t’ active employment after havin’ retired some years ago at th’ age 0’ eighty-seven, has been th’ war worse’n a ten-cent sack o’ corn-meal, I pity ’em,” said Mrs. Lafe Bud, this day. G) at One good thing about the conscripted loafer is that he doesn’ leave a gap. “3) % What’s become 0’ th’ ole time girl that used t’ color up when she met you instead 0’ before? th’ sole topic at th’ blacksmith shop fer several days an’ many facts have been brought t’ light that completely rout th’ ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS pop’lar theory that a feller's usefulness Tanger’s case is one that proves my point. Although he is still alert an’ preachin’ regularly, it wuz not until he’d won th’ tri-county checker championship at seventy—eight that he mastered theology an’ became eminent as a devine. People are different. Some retire at ends at eighty-five. “Why, Cato took up Greek an' learned it at eighty; Goethe wuz eighty when he put th’ finishin’ touches on Faust: Sopho— cles wrote Oedipus at four—score an' Theophrastus wuz ninety before he became pop’lar as a writer.” said Prof. Alex Tansey. “I don’t know nothin’ about th’ fellers you’re talkin’ about, but I do know that Niles Turner’s brother, Rodney, mastered th’ first high wheel bicycle at eighty-one. an’ fer many years thereafter he wuZ a familiar figure in th’ sportin’ circles 0’ this town,” said Tell Binkley. “We find lots 0’ instances in our medical researches which show'that a great many famous characters 0’ th’ past did not reach th’ zenith o’ ther fame until after they’d safely tided over th’ checker age,” declared Dr. Mopps. “Rev. Wiley twenty. Ther is no rule fer retirin’. It depends on th’ feller. Some people never begin t’ work at all. Tilford Moots quit plowin’ fifteen years ago an’ only recently returned t’ th’ plow in order t’ release his wife fer war work. Gran’maw Pash’s brother, Bat, wuz a skilled umbreller mender an’ died in th’ fair— grounds at Frankfort in th’ winter 0’ seventy-eight at th’ age 0’ eighty-one. He’d been a great pool player up t’ his seventieth year. Another case 0’ which I have personal knowledge is that o’ Virgil Plum. He’d never had any real occupation or callin’. At seventy-four, ABE MARTIN ON THE long after his children had married an’ fled, he became interested in croquet an’ astonished th’ countryside. He died 0’ over exertion on th’ floor of a dancin’ academy at th’ age 0' one hundred an" three.” WAR AND OTHER THINGS Up t’ this writin’ ther’s no evidence that th’ commercial instinct an’ patriotism are goin’ t’ git t’gether. x3) 3%! “I’d jest as leave have a candy cigar as a glass 0’ near beer,” said Pinky Kerr, yisterday. Mrs. Leslie Moots ’11 not do any visitin’ this summer, as her children are gittin’ too big t’ travel. , Who remembers when about ever’ other feller you met had a black eye from splittin’ kindlin’? ABE MARTIN ON THE Lester Deardorf, whose second wife has two sons who’ll soon be eligible fer th’ army, bought more bonds t'day t’ keep th’ war goin’. g WAR AND OTHER THINGS Ole ’Squire Marsh Swallow gave t’ th’ war chest till he had t’ be taken home in an ambulance. (75) ‘ A committee called on Constable Plum t’day an’ urged him t’ reopen th’ rabbit season. Mrs. Tilford MIoots has gone t’ Tulip, Indiany, fer a few days’ visit. Vacuum sweeper solicitors please take notice. (3) \L; M (0’; “I’ve jest had t’ quit drinkin’ from a saucer ’cause it wrinkles my forehead,” said Fawn Lippincut this mornin’. t?) V m .It’s. wonderful what hardships an’ privations some fellers ’ll put up with rather’n throw away a hal f smoked n1Ck€l cigar. A stranger et four Holland herrin’ at th’ Little Gem, t’day, before he knowed th’ state wuz dry. (3" 3;? You kin hardly be a gentleman these days without runnin’ th’ risk 0’ bein’ called a sissy. ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS Next t’ th’ Belgians th’ ti ghtwad has been hit harder by th’ wa r than anybuddy else. Mrs. Tipton Bud went t’ Melodeon hall last night, an’ stood up fer th’ “StarSpangled Banner,” an’ set down on her knittin’. €72 ‘3, It must be a peculiar sens ation t’ have a Wife that don’t care what you do. ‘3) Ther haint nothin’ in looks. Tom Thumb wuz undersized yet he wuz known all over th’ world. wm (3) Mr. an’ Mrs. Lester jones ’11 try t’ go another year withou t a car. 31! Miss Babe Pash is understudyin’ fer Miss Opal Moots, optometrist 0’ th ‘39 Monarch lO-cent store. % 4n. 7 Who . remembers when smuggle liver int’ th’ house? we used t’ Nobuddy’s got anything on Theda Bara. ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS Constable Plum has fixed th’ price 0' sassafras root at a cent a bunch at th’ mine. «39 4‘!» y" What’s become 0’ th’ ole time cornetist that used t’ run th’ scale at home? (is ‘7‘ 'rr It’ all right t’ be forward lookin’, but worryin’ about who’s goin’ t’ be president 0’ Germany is th’ limit. :3 A pyramid o’ grapefruit makes a swell decoy fer a rolled oats restaurant. ’4‘ A girl cares jest about as much fer a feller that used t’ be rich as she does fer a hat that used t’ be sty lish. % What’s become 0’ th’ feller that used t’ lick a cigar all over before he lit it? 13' x?» axio- ,“ A snow white nose an’ cerise cheeks—— but if ther mothers don’t care why should we worry? There’s jest as much t’backer chawed as ever, only ther haint as many white vests. ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS We wonder if Uncle Sam would min d appointin’ an Irish stew director while he’s at it? ‘3‘; Some folks seem t’ think that because ther only goin’ t’ live once ther entitled t’ go as fer as they like. Germany is a carrot lovin’ country an’ that fact alone is enough. gyaz Children never appreciate ther’ mother till they grow up an’ git ont’ ther father. :1; if; A girl with a musical educat ion allus marries a feller that’s too poor t’ buy a pianner. Ever’ once in a While some feller gits so rich that he says he’d like t’ be poor agin an’ livin’ up stairs over a storeroom. G! ‘23 If some fellers wuz as lavish at home as they are in a cafe th’ neighbors never would git thro’ talkin ’. Who remembers th’ ole time street faker that used t’ eat th’ soap he wuz sellin’ jest t’ show you that it would not injure th’ most delicate skin? ABE MARTIN ON THE Another feller that‘s takin’ advantage 0' th’ war is th' feller that thinks he kin sing. (3, Change out of a dollar is hardly worth waitin’ fer any more, unless you’re out o’ chewin’ gum. ‘3! WAR AND OTHER THINGS Speakin’ 0’ real patriots, Gabe Craw bought a Thrift stamp, done without meat an’ thinned out a row 0’ carrots all in one day re‘cently. G) If th’ Ben Davis is such a wonderful apple why don’t it do business in its own name? v m What’s become 0’ th’ ole grouch tha t didn’ take no newspaper an’ jest knowed what he knowed? Some fellers no sooner git out 0’ one office than they git ther’ necks shaved an’ begin t’ pass th’ cigars around fer % another. , What’s become 0’ th’ feller tha t used t flare up an’ say, “Do you think I’m made 0’ money?” ever’ time he WUZ asked t’ come across ? :1; Who remembers when a grocer wouldn’ stoop t’ breakin’ a cracker in two t’ make th’ scales balance? ABE MARTIN ON THE Th’ attitude 0’ th’ tightwad briefly stated is this: “Why should I help win th’ war when I didn’ start it?" 6) 3!! It seems like th’ older we git th’ more helpless we are when we buy a pair 0’ shoes. WAR AND OTHER THINGS Use less nurses. ‘3') “Ther’s lots 0’ things I wouldn’ put up with if I wuz purty enough t’ git acquitted,” said Mrs. Lafe Bud, as she bought some arnica this mornin’. g g; . What , 5 in a name, ’specially a Russian name? “If I wuz rich I don’t know 0’ nothin’ I’d rather have’n a barber chair,” said lazy ole ’Squire Swallow, this mornin’. 6 x’ G; Y A young Widow an’ money are soon par ted. her insurance Nothin’ takes th’ conceit out of a feller like tryin’ t’ fill out a blank. ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS Mr. Lemmie Peters, whos e brilliant graduation essay is still fresh in th’ minds of our people, has de cided t’ work instead 0’ fight, an’ is now demonstratin’ a can opener in th’ show window 0’ th’ Monarch 5 and lO-cent store. Miss Fawn Lippincut went up t’ Indynoplus t’ see “Pollyanna” yisterday, but had t’ leave before th’ last act, as she run out o’ yarn. G) Y go; Th’ feller that’s satisfied is gittin’ ole. g; Miss Fawn Lippincut has a new stop— watch t’ time movie kisses. I’d like t’ be jest rich enough t’ know I could sleep later in th’ mornin’s if I wanted to,” said Lafe Bu d t’day. “Speakin’ 0’ signs 0’ spring, th’ thing I can’t understand is how a fishin’ worm gits on a tin roof,” said Pinky Kerr, t’day. It seems to disappoint some folks t’ agree with ’em. :1; When an old bachelor tickles a baby under the chin he allus says: great institutions.” “Ah, ther ,,,.,,,“, ._r I WAR AND OTHER THINGS a, I: ABE MARTIN ON THE “We don’t go by Wilson time at our house. We go t’ bed an’ git up when If Hoover would stop th’ banquets it would conserve lots 0’ head lettuce an’ we please,” said Tilford Moots. t’day. halibut. ‘Y" The feller that kin earn enough t’ feed a family these days is purty well along on th’ road t’ success. G; 3! Th’ older you git th’ purtier th’ girls look. (3) ti! :3 What’s become 0’ th’ feller that had another pair 0’ shoes t’ wear while he wuz gittin’ his best pair half soled? Ther’s two things at a country hotel that you allus take Chances on—th’ elevator an’ hash. g Rubber heels have certainly thrown Money talks an’ often, like lots 0’ people, it talks too blamed much. a wrench in th’ ole axiom, “Forewarned is forearmed.” 7 _ . m, .__,..fi.,.,m,r.».;‘ .rramgwmrmn-flmmu ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS Lafe Bud is wearin’ a pair 0' brown pants with a gray coat till our army returns victorious. It used t’ be that a feller went on th’ police force after ever’thing else failed, but t’day he goes in th’ advertisin’ game. g; (3; Y Constable Plum censored “Th’ Enchantress 0’ th’ Nile” at th’ Fairy Grotto today an’ ordered eighty feet cut off 0’ th’ kiss in th’ second reel. :3; . Who remembers th’ ole three—cent “As long as we used buggies I don’t believe I ever saw a buggy salesman’s picture in th’ paper,” declared Uncle Ez Pash t’day, as he looked over th’ automobile page. % Th’ only work some folks ever tackle is piece we used t’ pass fer a dime? :3; Live so you at least git th’ benefit 0’ th’ doubt. Th’ original Hooverite is th’ landlord 0’ th’ only hotel in town. ABE MARTIN ON THE We expect Mrs. Tilford Moots’ nephew t’ distinguish himself when he gits t’ France fer he wuzn’ in th’ trainin’ camp quite three months till he wuz a Room Orderly. (Y3) What’s become 0’ th’ folks that never used t’ go any place Where there wuzn’ eats? :2; In deplorin’ th’ awful conditions in Rushy don’t fergit that Lenine an’ Trotsky are also great orators. :3; It’s kind 0’ fun these days jest t’ plug along an’ wonder what you’re goin’ t’ git stung on next. Mingo Tanger has come out flat-footed in favor 0’ th’ war. ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS Even with a war on an’ a thousan’ other important things t’ talk about, some women find time t’ boast 0’ their husband’s salad dressin’. When we’re little we dream 0’ th’ things we’ll do when we git big an’ after we’re married we begin t’ talk about th’ Mrs. Nugent is much relieved since receivin’ a letter from her son, Stew, now in France, sayin’, “I have three big flat cigarette cases, one fer my heart an’ two fer my hip pockets.” ('6) % “Nothin’ makes me as mad,” said Mrs. Tilford Moots, t’day, “as t’ have some- fun we’ll have when th’ children grow up, an’ so it goes. buddy sing while I’m bawlin’ ’em out.” % 5:; Very often a woman gits credit fer bein’ a homebuddy when really she’s too Some folks don’t seem t’ add t’ nothin’ but ther vocabularies. lazy t’ dress up. x3) ’\ ‘ to! Q Lafe Bud bought a ton of alleged Pocahontas this mornin’. Miss Fawn Lippincut stayed up till midnight t’ see 3-cent postage come in. A WAR AND OTHER THINGS Cal Tape has been invalidated home from Camp Taylor. {3} cf Twrs‘a .v M - “.3. Violr . .. ABE MARTIN ON THE Pinky Kerr asked Tell Binkley how many soldiers Napoleon had at Auster— litz, an’ he said: “I don’t know; I haint seen a newspaper fer a month.” How are we goin’ t’ tell a national (3) holiday after th’ business? saloons go out 0’ $5 "221' Some folks are constantly referrin’ t’ ther maid when they only hire a woman one forenoon a week t’ wash. ? If ther’s any bad breedin’ in a feller’ it’s sure t’ pop out at th’ dinner table. G”) ”M Sometimes the cheapest kind of a feller wears a $700 scarf pin. ‘3‘.) “34' *4? It’s a wise Busy Bee patron that knows which side his bread is buttered on. Th’ rich have all th’ autos an’ th’ poor have all th’ go-carts. ABE MARTIN ON THE Mrs. Tipton Bud has one reg’lar grocer an’ nine sugar grocers. WAR AND OTHER THINGS “I’m fer thrift, but I can’t see as how wearin’ felt boots after business hours is goin’ to help win th’ war,” said Mrs. Tipton Bud t’day. % G) 35! We’ve noticed that folks that pay as they go don’t do much goin’. g Who remembers when we used t’ dicker fer th’ things we bought instead 0’ submittin’ quietly? You kin still go home when you can’t go anywhere’s else, but it’s no cinch you’ll find any one there. What’s become 0’ th’ girl that used t’ lace so tight we wondered how she swallowed? g? :3} If th’ state goes wet agin it’ll put a lot As luck would have it, Tell Binkley 0‘ fellers out 0’ business. fergot t’ set his auto clock forward an’ arrived at th’ railroad crossin’ Sunday, a hour too late t’ git hit. ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS FORTY YEARS AGO Nothin’ makes you hate th’ kaiser like stoopin’ over an’ plantin’ a row 0’ By Uncle Niles Turner Th’ whole family dressed around th’ radishes. kitchen stove in th’ winter, one at a time. “A feller kin lay in a stock 0’ liquor, We all walked home t’ dinner at noon. but he can’t lay in a place t’ lean an’ talk.” said Pinky Kerr, t’day. A farmer didn’ know what an’ egg or Sometimes a woman ’11 git so hard up fer somethin’ t’ boast of that she’ll say her husband is goin’ t’ buy a car when a load 0’ hay wuz worth till he got t’ town. Nobuddy bought a book if anybuddy in town had th’ one he wanted. A father supported his daughters till they were grown. th’ state goes dry. Nothin’ broke th’ monotony 0’ summer g; It looks like th’ girl that’s built like a radish is goin’ t’ have another season 0’ popularity. but a one-ring circus. We called farmers country Jakes. Country editors made a livin’ printin’ hoss bills. A feller with a hoss an’ phaeton wuz supposed t’ be wealthy. ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS Nobuddy wore belts but Irish laborers. Women wouldn’ go t’ a show like th’ Black Crook. Bacon wuz th’ chief diet 0’ th’ poor an’ Butchers carried whips that cracked like a gun an’ drove ther cattle thro’ oppressed. People wore patched shoes. Nobuddy Wuz afraid t’ drink at th’ town pump. We used t’ borrow a cow t’ mow th’ lawn. 7 Th’ lettuce season opened June first. New shoes squeaked. Sody fountains closed in September. We all wore soggy red flannel underwear. Th’ courthouse square wuz a wood market. Th’ boys made money carryin’ notes. You could jedge a feller’s financial standin’ by his hitchin’ post. Ther wuz a little child swingin’ on ever’ front gate. town. We only cleaned up on Saturday evenin’. Nickel cigars had a pleasant odor. Dudes sent ther collars t’ th’ nearest big city t’ be polished. We pressed th’ creases out 0’ ready made pants. Doctors an’ lawyers wore plug hats, often with sack coats. Hair watch chains an’ gold headed canes were plentiful. Tub oysters set on th’ sidewalk by th’ hitchin’ racks. Dried apples were strung on a cord. Kids chewed bees wax. Th’ railroads run excursions t’ balloon ascensions. Ever’ bay window wuz full 0’ geraniums. ABE MARTIN ON THE Ever’ well ordered home had a rockery. We thought ever’ train goin’ west wuz WAR AND OTHER THINGS Maybe if th’ war keeps Up dinners ’11 become so light that orators ’11 refuse t’ speak after ’em goin’ t’ Californy. Th’ dentists pulled your teeth if they hurt. Fruit trees looked out fer ’emselves. Th’ best actors that ever lived showed fer twenty-five an’ fifty cents. We knew who wrote ever’thing in a newspaper. \ys; Th’ feller without any opinions is allus pop’lar. g “I wish I’d waited fer ‘Th’ Follies’ instead 0’ payin’ two dollars jest t’ see ‘Mary’s Ankle,’ ” said Lafe Bud t’day. Nothin’ but saloons an’ meat shops took ice. A woman wouldn’ climb in a buggy if anybuddy wuz lookin’. Ever’ doctor carried a saw. Croquet wuz th’ steppin’ stone t’ th’ swellest girl in town. We reckon th’ more daylight order ’11 only mean that mother ’11 have t’ crawl out an hour earlier in the mornin’ an’ that father ’11 roll home an hour later in th’ evenin’. ABE MARTIN ON THE It’s no trouble t’ git t’ th’ front these days, whether you’re ambitious or not. A girl has t’ have some nerve t’ ask her feller t’ tie her shoe these days. WAR AND OTHER THINGS Th’ feller that’s holdin’ his own these days is either a tightwad or a pro-German. Ever’ time a woman hears 0’ some woman bein’ crazy about her husband she allus asks, “Is he crazy about her?” £3 It seems like it’s impossible t’ git rich without ruinin’ your stomach. Some girls seem t’ buy a skirt on th’ theory that they’ll never set down. G) Y ‘x" After a feller who wouldn’t think 0’ payin’ over 85 cents fer a shirt buys an automobile, he says: “Well, what’s money fer it if hain’t t’ spend?” Some folks have so much confidence in themselves that they try t’ describe an ache. ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS Ez Pash, 87, retired, went back t’ work yisterday at $65 a week. Tilford NIoots’ nephew got a first lieutenancy at th’ army trainin’ camp Mrs. Lafe Bud’s father is visitin’ her an’ he’s as conservative as a book 0’ directions with a new auto. (3.! Th’ consumer’s operatin’ expenses have an’ his father has sold his farm t’ buy him a uniform. Who remembers when we used t’ knock bondholders? ‘fil Jumped 50 an’ 100 per cent, but he’s not askin’ the Public Service Commission t’ boost his wages. It’s a wise father that knows his own daughter. (3) g? 5K Fin Pusey has left his wife an’ gone back t’ his mother. agree any more’n a mometers,” says he. “We jest couldn’ couple 0’ ther’ Somehow th’ feller with inside informa— tion is allus on th’ outside. h—'<-‘~-d-‘*.D.‘c-a_‘$~ «xv m; ;.A .7. -- a a ABE MARTIN ON THE “Well, I knowed th’ war wuz goin’ t’ make it purty hard on us, but I never believed th’ time would come when I’d have t’ split a parsnip four ways,” said AT._,__.'___L » WAR AND OTHER THINGS “We Shall Meet Over There,” used t’ refer t’ heaven, but it don’t any more. Mrs. Tilford Moots, t’day. x”?! Some saloons are still open, but th’ bologna an’ argyments are missin’. When a speaker lays his watch on th’ table prepare fer th’ worst. .‘ Nothin’ makes a mother as mad as fer some one t’ give her baby a stick Th’ honeymoon is all out an’ over when th’ husband trades his roadster fer a five-passenger car. 0’ licorice. g; Figurin’ on what kind 0’ meat we’ll have t’ buy fer Sunday kind 0’ spoils all th' rest 0’ th’ week. We never know where we git a Canadian quarter or a cold. ABE MARTIN ON THE As wuz t’ be expected, th’ very people who are kickin’ on corn meal an’ other sacrifices, are th’ ones who wanted t’ jump int’ th’ war a year before we did. WAR AND OTHER THINGS Vesper Pash has opened a garage next t’ th’ pustoffice an’ has advertised fer a German t’ blow up tires. (0‘) ’ 3L It seems like nobuddy ever goes t’ New Th’ feller that don’t know what he’s talkin’ about allus wants t’ bet you. York except t’ cut up. 3:; Q Nothin’ interests some fellers but th’ rustle of a skirt. Jest as soon as a woman gits two or three little children she begins t’ travel. go} ‘0) a: While we’re at it why not take advanced thinkin’ out of our universities? Who remembers th’ ole fashioned card receiver that reposed on th’ marble top table in th’ parlor? ABE MARTIN ON THE Some fellers have thousands t’ bet on how long th’ war’ll last, but not a cent fer Thrift Stamps. VVAR AND OTHER THINGS Pinky Kerr has set his watch another hour forward as he gits so hungry in th’ afternoons. ($1 x?) y 3‘ Those who have tried t’ git close t’ th’ producer have only got next t’ him. Two homely people allus seem tickled t’ death when they meet. '~ (3; a: Some folks are called jakey when ther merely respectable. Nobuddy ever got in trouble takin’ things as they come. :3: if? m is restin’ easier an’ is in a fair way t’ recover unless a motorcycle passes th’ “What’s worse’n havin’ nothin’ less than a quarter when a subscription is taken up?” asked Tell Binkley, this house,” said Dr. Mopps, t’day. mornin’. “I’m glad t’ say that Gran’maw Pash -«-t.;. _ .mA-meu.‘ 7“ ~. ABE MARTIN ON THE Wan‘i—‘aafia‘ )(x (“4 m .m- WAR AND OTHER THINGS When a feller says he’ll bet some war Anybuddy that’s too nice t’ eat corn— bread is too nice fer a democracy. fund’ll be oversubscribed it’s a sign he hain’t goin’ t’ give nothin’. 3 Most 0’ th’ bare chested gals we see are so thin we should think ther backs would git cold. What’s become 0’ th’ ole family cow with brass knobs on her horns? 3 Tipton Bud talks some 0’ movin’ t’ town where he kin keep a son. £3 Speakin’ 0’ golf, you don’t only git th’ fresh air an’ th’ exercise by cultivatin’ a garden, but you’re liable t’ git a few p’taters. :3 “One good thing about near-beer, you 3 wont have any trouble rememberin’ where t’ return th’ bottles,” said Pinky Kerr, t’day. We’ve jest about quit usin’ a garbage can, but we can’t recall th’ time when a waste basket wuz as necessary as it is t’day. ABE MARTIN ON THE We’d be gittin’ up in time t’ see some spies shot if they wuz shootin’ any. g; Politics makes strange goodfellers. g; Ther’s still quite a few clean shaven , likely lookin’ folks that say confistica te fer confiscate. WAR AND OTHER THINGS Ther’s too many fellers that want t’ git in th’ war without takin’ any chances. ‘3‘) ‘4‘" “Who remembers when women wore shawls,” said Lafe Bud t’day. We remember when it wuz a common sight t’ see a man wearin’ a plaid shawl an’ a plug hat. (0‘) , Ever notice how completely th’ loudest (5) ‘2}: A few fishin’ poles remain unsold at th’ Emporium since th’ town wen t dry. feller disappears when th’ time comes t’ quit arguin’? ('0') 2 Ther’s a whole lot 0’ difference between criticism an’ fault findin’. ABE MARTIN ON THE Th’ work or fight order is purty tough on th’ feller that never fought anything but work. Who remembers th’ time when, if a feller could make 50 cents an hour, you’d WAR AND OTHER THINGS You kin tell a paterotic girl by th’ color 0’ th’ yarn she’s usin’. gig Too many people think 0’ ther’ stomachs first an’ America afterwards. have t’ shoot him t’ git him off th’ job? [0 ~11 “Anybuddy that’s tried t’ git out in n‘ Allus go t’ headquarters with a kick. 6‘) th’ air after th’ first Sunday afternoon show in a movie the-ater kin realize what a mass formation is,” said Tell ‘4! Binkley t’day. Th’ boy that used t’ run his legs off fer a 2-cent piece now has a son who drives his own car. G) 3}! How would a drunkless Saturday night hit th’ men folks? ABE MARTIN ON THE Ther’s too many profiteers with all ther patriotism flyin’ from a pole. WAR AND OTHER THINGS “Whatless day’s t’day?” asked Tell Binkley, this mornin’. ('6,“ Some folks are so anxious t’ be different that they turn ther noses up at fried We all seem t’ learn from experience, except young Widowers. mush. Necessity butter. x?) ‘43 is th’ mother 0’ papaw What’s become 0’ th’ patent medicine beauty contests? (3) 2 ‘0) ' Home hain’t much more’n a service station any more. Home-made waters’ll sink. cornbread cast on th’ «ms up wrawmm warm ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS Th’ only collector yve have any use fer is th’ collector 0’ Thrift Stamps. Ther’s too many people confusin’ stint . with thrift. Y a (O! Next t’ predictin’, ’bout th’ easiest thing is criticisin’. It begins t, 100k like th’ time WUZ comin’ when we’ll be lucky t’ even be on ‘3’ our uppers. “r ’ ‘ ' 1e We ye noticed when a married C9111? , , ‘ both like t’ dress ther a long t1m€ glttln a pianner. . a;. Th dev1l soon gits after a lonesome feller @ (6) 314* It seem s . like nearly ever’buddy you . meet is lookin’ fer Easy Street. ‘ Some folks wei h their words g others jest guess ’ern off. an’ ABE MARTIN ON THE Miss Tawney Apple went up t’ Indy- noplus t’day all painted up fer high visibility. (a; Q!» [k A Windsor tie’ll be found very effective in hidin’ a fluctuatin’ Adam’s apple. :7: r" Who remembers th’ ole time sidelace shoes th’ girls used t’ wear? Men kin be fooled on ever’thing ’cept what’s good to eat. Give till you have t’ make an ass ignment. ABE MARTIN ON THE “Wiff” Lowery hoed up a fifty-cent piece in his garden t’day he wouldn’ have found if it wuzn’ fer th’ war. What’s become 0’ th’ feller that used t’ say, “Oh, pshaw, I’ve gone an’ et too much again”? What’s become 0’ th’ ole fashioned country relatives that allus brought a dressed chicken when they dropped in on you? \‘o‘! 3! Another thing a fully equipped loafer allus carries is a little book givin’ th’ populations 0’ all th’ cities. What gits us is how a football player is goin’ to explain why he isn’ in th’ army. ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS Lots 0‘ fellers seem t’ overlook th’ fact that it won‘t cut any ice whether ther Democrats or Republicans if we don’t win this war. (5,! fl! ‘Nhen somebuddy wants t’ prove that somebuddy else isn’t stuck up he says, “Why, he eats at th’ dairy lunch.” Dudley Moots has postponed his trip t’ Tippecanoe lake, an’ ’11 go t’ Camp Taylor instead. gs; Ever’ once in a while we meet a feller that’s too proud t’ beg, an’ too honest t’ steal, an’ too lazy t’ work. (3‘! “:5! Henry Ford, first in peace, first in war, an’ first in the heart 0’ th’ countryman- (5) Y Little Gwendlyn Bud kin name all th’ near-beers. (8; Y We used t’ withhold our judgment of a feller’s guilt until we read th’ evidence, but nowadays we wait till his picture is printed. If th’ average girl has got as much backbone as she has wishbone she’s purty safe. 1*. ABE MARTIN ON THE . “nunsuzmmfl .._ . .24. «“7, :;>..,_v~ 5-; ..;. WAR AND OTHER THINGS The ole-fashioned mother who had a holy horror 0’ cigarettes now has a daughter who is treasurer of a cigarette fund. We don’t see anything in th’ personal column about Hindenburg bein’ in Paris. % :3} Th’ feller that says “I may be wrong, A quail is worth fer more t’ a community than th’ average sportsman. but—” does not believe ther kin be any such possibility. ‘y" ’ Lafe Bud’s aunt made an assignment t day, havin’ spent all fer love. Ever’ time you feel fer a dime you git a penny these days. :3; g I“Ole friends, ole wine, ole prices,” srghed Tell Binkley, this mornin’. Th’ less a feller amounts to th’ quicker he publishes a denial. ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS TH’ PSYCHOLOGY 0’ TH’ UNIFORM “Ever’ time I reach th' point where I kin talk fairly intelligent about th’ war I have t’ stop an’ wait around two or three days t’ find out how some new location is pronounced,” said Tell Binkley, t’day. 13) 31! “Ther’s somethin’ about a uniform that ketches a girl ever’ time,” said Prof. Clem Harner, t’day, in commentin’ on Ermie A N D #- iSconufm‘j 'r‘o DA Y H- -Pgif—Ew-/\ 7%‘r/‘lé'; Ther remodelin’ th’ Fairy Grotto nickel the—ater an’ th’ town’s as loneso me as Senator La Follette. «35) . Some fellers worry so much about ther rights that they fergit t’ make a livi n’. Somebuddy’s allus knockin’ “th’ coffee,” but we don’t believe we eve r heard a complaint on tea. Moots’ engagement t’ Link Gage, 0’ Camp Taylor. “Ther’ used t’ be a fife player in my band named Earl Plummer that wuz married seven times. He wuzn’ ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS much t' look at in citizen’s clothes, but jest as soon as he jumped int’ one 0’ th’ bright, flashy Hussar uniforms our band boys used t’ wear, you could hear th’ hearts flutter. Ever’ where we played “I’ve got a rich aunt that could have married th’ swellest feller in Evansville, he won a heart. “Ther haint no accountin’ fer a girl’s infatuation fer uniforms, an’ it don’t allus He met his first wife at a Bryan meetin’ an’ married her before th’ speakin’ wuz over. He met his other wives at Seymour, Warsaw, Tulip, Milroy, Edinburg an’ Indynoplus, but they all left him when he took his uniform off. His last wife wuz a North Side belle at Indynoplus, who’s since eloped with a messenger boy. Ever’ feller in th’ band got married before we wuz organized three weeks.” .“Gals like brass buttons,” said Uncle Niles Turner. “Nate Cope, if you’ll remember, hung around town fer thirty years without a beau. Then he joined th’ Uniform Rank 0’ th’ K. 0’ R, an’ wuz gobbled up like a hot cake.” but she married a bell boy,” said Lafe Bud, “an’ she wuz engaged t’ two letter carriers when she met him.” make any difference what kind of a uniform it is,” said Pinky Kerr. “Velie Newcomb’s first husband wuz a circus roustbout an’ they lived t’gether an hour after they wuz married. He wuz rollin’ an elephant tub int’ th’ ring an’ he looked so fine an’ manly in his brown uniform trimmed in red that she sought him out an’ introduced herself an’ a weddin’ shortly follered.” “I got a cousin that fell in love with a conductor on her weddin’ trip an’ left her husband before th’ train got t’ Niagary Falls. Later she married th’ conductor an’ lived with him almost a ,4, ABE MARTIN ON THE week,” said Dr. Mopps. twngg‘duam —-n a. . ..;.. M: ., WAR AND OTHER THINGS “Finally she wed a motorman, but th’ marriage wuz an unhappy one. Now she’s engaged t’ an elevator man.” “My gran’mother goes with an usher at a nickel the—ater an’ we’re so afraid she’ll marry him,” said Tell Binkley. “Well, th’ men folks are as bad as th’ women when it comes t’ uniforms,” said Miss Fawn Lippincut. “If us girls wuz all dressed like trained nurses, how many single fellers would ther be, t’ say nothin’ o’ bigamists?” Knittin’ all afternoon an’ wastin’ sugar on fudge in th’ evenin’ is poor patriotism. G) Y Think before you applaud. (3, 4". We’ve kidded th’ farmer along until now he’s too proud t’ milk. ‘8) 314* Mrs. Lafe Bud’s mother arrived t’day an’ ’11 watch th’ baby fer a month or two while her daughter has a dress altered. ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS It seems that some folks have been so busy havin’ a good time an’ gittin’ rich in this country that they’ve fergotten t’ take out naturalization papers . “Th’ thing I can’t understand about this war is why coffee hain’t gone up,” said Mrs. Tilford Moots, t’day. (.3 3!: “Th’ hardest thing,” said Mrs. Lafe Bud t day, “is tryin’ t’ think 0’ somethin’ fer supper your husband did n’ have fer lunch.” It seems t’ be impossible t’ be an ideal husband Without wearin’ a made—up cravat. g ‘3) work Lit.tle children like an y b u dy d they ki' n Most of us worry along till we’re thirty-five or forty befo re we catch on t’ how a bank makes a livin’. Th’ hardest thing about livin’ in a dry town is t’ act like you jest happened t’ drop in a drug store. Even free speech haint as cheap an’ plentiful as it wuz. .7.” ABE MARTIN ON THE -'Mllfijga4‘amiu—La i » ., rampan-I. a,“ ~_ a ,..v WAR AND OTHER THINGS Th’ rates at th" New Palace hote l have been raised. Plain room, 75 cents. Room with gas mask, 85 cents. Give till it quits hurtin’. x?» (‘5; «4» m When some storekeeper puts up a new awnin’, or gits his delivery wag on repainted, ever’buddy in town say s, “That feller’s got a gold mine.” We’ve allus noticed that a good-sized man with a heavy voice can say jest about what he pleases. g; 5:; Miss Tawney Apple is buyin’ a pianner What’s become 0’ th’ feller that used on th’ government plan. t’ eat all th’ bread on th’ table while waitin’ for a 25-cent dinner ? xyz; Another peculiar thing about near beer is that a feller don’t empty all his Another thing a fully equipped loa fer allus carries is a little book givin’ th’ earnin’s on th’ bar when he asks fer a glass. populations 0’ all th’ cities . i ll nMflMfldJWL.‘ -~ \ ‘4... . 11113112; MARJHN onHE 1 WAR ’éAND 102’]?HER/l THKNGS “I’ll never marry another feller till I see him in Citizen’s clothes,” isaid Mrs. Art Small, as she left th’ court room » I' 1 v Th'“ mader‘ri Weddih’ aec611nt isnoW devoted t’ th’ groom’s rank instead 0xtfh' 'I t’.day ‘ ‘7 11h» 1-‘11'111-112 '1'~1"n‘.', 11.5“1’7111 111w; ~' bride’s dress. 'H 1’ Em” 5:. 6; barn;31: hi1? “J“; , . m; 11"., ' l 11113511 Wh6remembers Whéfi fa’the’ri iise'd‘“? come home and thr6W 5 *r6u1id steé'lE6 6 th’ kitchen table anmother’ d say, “My goodness! More meat?” Tq(.::g,(y k; ii: 33’5’3 :3}: (( jrriAN {rm} rr‘l 133$ Jaemmavng”:15:- no o . I can t notlce any d1ffe rence smce th’ 9 state went ‘dry,’ ’Cept I can’t think of fi'manyofifingsn’ngad9r€fi5§1nfii§9€6ay ’1'" ' -- r "'8 732‘; 7‘?qu ‘ "'i-,"‘ v é »' r‘ 1 [3 3‘39! . skis. 31-3 Jainism ’ " .}DL.':? . 5 ’ :‘s’ i,',j‘flf” , 1' . 1 1"1HH‘5.’\J;:” member father they give ‘him "ahice’, easy chair, but they allusi remember mother with a dish.;; I” iii?) “511' ‘3’}! :31)” '3’ What’sbecome‘o’ th’ {11011151126th iiseel 1., .‘J “ 311113 211; 12’ say, “Dear me Suz?” —, 35 3.! W.” When aparty 6’ friends Want t’ ‘re ' wn-xr, v 1, ‘§) ,.~ If: no a (1:11" ~ m 1:34;}:1; -.-, iiiii Some folks are better off in a theiégté} MrsTllfordMootsis still- usinthe sameplQWshewent t’housekeepmWith, than they are at home. .79}--.§J ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS You kin tell when a feller’s patriotism is in his wife's name by th’ amount he eats downtown. Mrs. Tilford Moots ’11 not buy any shoes till th’ war’s over as she hardly ever gits out 0’ her car. ‘3! ‘1‘ m We’ve often wondered if a knocker laid his work out before comin’ down— town in th’ mornin’ or jest depended on somethin’ t’ turn up. Mrs. Lafe Bud’s mother has sent her ten dollars fer a birthday gift with a note sayin’, “Maybe you kin buy some trifle with this.” (a; 3!! G) We haven’t noticed any egg stickin’ t’ th’ restaurant knives an’ forks fer a long time. 66.! i, We reckon nobody gits as much fun out 0’ life as th’ feller with an ole, second - hand, noisy, long - waisted red roadster. What worse’n gittin’ a nice, fat, personal lookin’ letter an’ wonderin’ fer two hours who it kin be from an’ then openin’ it only t’ find that it’s th’ printed announcement that somebuddy’s fall goods are all in. % Ther’s no cobwebs in a limousine. é; {:T‘ASBEVi'VMARTIN ON THE ' ' I f i 3 , . . , 9'1 r ‘. i. ,‘ 1,,1‘1k’k51 ’1 " .V" iiii-‘iill . Vigil/I; . k A Mrs Si’s‘ Mopps get aletfier ifrbmirher nephew at Fort SamHouston‘y’'11 ’day, ‘ sayin’, “Im goin’ t’.a dance t night as fer as I knew. ” H 9—. i';.‘1 :11‘335’, if . i WARfiMD_®TH_E/BTHINCS .' i i « (5):. IA? .131 ..:":i.-i[i LIN ,W-‘Jq «(vita '1in'1i3[£11 it‘doufjihut {txfififpénpr 113 “1‘ esem ays is 1a Wra1 that’s keepfls’i‘stfiitfi" 0’ gittin’ arrested. v "2 r ' if; (3" ' ' 3.9:: 31333111311 suw TI 11.113 1313!)? 3111131 bit it won’t cause that yode hn 362qu w % ,3MssMakinsiMpotsiil} (Bastian afinishifii s‘sliidol'zthisufall it’ ilearmihgwizb’ wmiteud bold, verticalgilnaindjz’ajiii 'baézk' 133m! (if 13d room gracefully. hI'Nexfti‘ta Spitzbergenisummtwft‘her aint nothin’.as briefwasslthi xiiifeb’ shile dren’sshoesv 11;.: *~ (Jii'fy ‘ ’ ”Jiffi} vi (Tug/5 ,‘l i win:_ mi) 113(- n 1231141381 'sz «midi Emu Some folks vae fiifie seniseo “—1”;qu a¥(z (Z 41" IA: it ({A (6) :c‘ré 6» 5W ,1“. ‘3';-.3 ‘ f‘fii-ii\,’i 11')” Since thestate went Hryth’ fe‘ijxtiilai’ t could drink without shoWiii’ it isbe— ginnin’ t’ show it. 1 .3111? mid W... W m‘3}ff; .,r...13.greme in m r tailiiWCgriiuupm‘ 35311. a tramp? 1' -.1';x "-'1""v .- I 1-.‘J‘§. I 1 ~,-.}*i P .1,i .3111r ’;£§'> H!'L’( ”5531341 " ialy iHiOZYY’d f'eii} f16,113 e!Wiee’id .quisii .,.. “3.- .14- I )L :) j"’\{1'} hi)f Ifyou’11waitieryou:sou pf t3} 90Q}a ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS A handsome silk service flag with one Nothin’ makes us realize th’ awfulnes s . , 0 war like downtown cornbread. star in it is displayed at th’ home 0’ Mrs. Sue Tanger, who’s son is caulkin’ at Hog Island. (6) .It wuz thought fer a while t’day that Pinky Kerr had taken poison by mistake, but th’ druggist said it wuz th’ kin d he’d been sellin’ right along. :1; A well filled auto of a generally used brand turned over east 0’ town t’day severely injurin’ Seymour Long an’ wife an’ married daughter, Mrs. Foster Moon, t’gether with Mrs. Moon’s niece an’ niece’s husband an’ five children. One good thing—th’ danger 0’ over- go}; eatin’ is a thing 0’ th’ past. What’s become 0’ th’ ole fashioned a; Irishman who wore G'alway whiskers? Run your business jest is if nobudd y else is in th’ same business an’ you’ll be happy. g; Some folks have a worse time standin’ th’ prosperity 0’ others than they do ther own. V “m..— - amt Y )RBE {' MARTIIN ON ATHE "*3"! 1mm liii‘fl (gait ‘2')i‘1’ma :iiie mmabnmi A .axi‘fl 0 32113231! 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G) 51! It would be a fine thing if we could close some individuals up one or two days a week. war is that they don’t have t’ go. :1; Miss Tawney Apple’s cousin wuz married yisterday. She wore her gran’— mother’s weddin’ dress while th’ groom carried his gran’father’s gold toothpick. $3.}; We don’t believe that if we wuz worth “I’d like t’ have one 0’ them Edison or Victroly machines if it wuzn’ fer stayin’ at home,” said Mrs. Tipton Bud t’day. a million dollars we could ever git used t’ ridin’ thro’ town backwards in an electric. % You can’t git anything fer nothin’ in An ole-fashioned robber tried t’ loot a bank without an auto yisterday. this world, but you’ve got a long time in which t’ pay fer some things. WAR ‘ iAND 19311711311111: THINGS £71 ABEIMAR’HN ONE-(THE ,”Amthen £911?! thatx’sm ‘19 war: t’xwin Th’ Emporium announces th’ arrival of a new consignment o’ underskirts fer cbnseriratrv‘es’ ‘ 1‘ "an! .: Mi Mn .~ l“ .3 i’il 1.1 ~» 31' '.'.- ,1! 1'1 . 'IE.’§11~.151 " W wife that sung in the kitchen? JR; U V '31)”; ::“'1 Who remembers «'when all th’ prominence rims‘arai xfxa1rn‘il;5mwu'2:'4111‘ ’dh’aifa’tHér’s name? ‘0} ”I(”ax; I} 1 ‘,.-ink/r.» .‘znh’! ,‘1ir1qf1 1141 What s,becomep’ the ole:fashipned W 919m!{03:11) KRWngficfifixfirsimm g1 :l H , 1 ('P3'31); r2i I "I, ‘fi- 1128961120119191 an 1195.3 EQmIPfinC29111131! 1:3 )1 man “Hf g “(3’ A Wldower allgs gitslinearisednbefore . 13378111 ‘Bigkiey‘. 11121111 stoppedmhiso ‘I'iéivs- WE? lgnowm firmed 11403. (:21’1'3 iiérper, amuseihe innit dnive amineédzse-T; 'F'Fbr" if \YS') 317139A Miss Tawney Apgie has quit writin’ t’ 11er tagger, as 1111120515sojmuch. q T J ‘1”(‘15 111;; .{Iu “Skid. h , .nhr’ Afinfif . 2‘2.g: ~ xl~ £;QJ UUA “.1 figd « A": , »4 mguulj 911‘“); It); ”1ng ”1“); ‘ ' ...’ 5.1,“? 3‘ tJ.Lb"-J.. ‘1'“I § ? sfiritic1'siaé th’; ignimrmégeivt sisssa's {018’ as cmquét. (13‘.1 3:103 ‘.IMQ 7.42am {fer-21%: ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS Th’ sugar shortage ’11 work quite a hardship on th’ feller that’s been gittin’ g Nothin’s as mean as givin’ a little child somethin’ useful fer Christmus. $2 13) 4:1: Mrs. Tilford Moots’ brother stopped Who remembers th’ ole song, “Father, dear father, come home with me now”? off t’ visit her t’day, but she wuz not at home as she’s got a closed car. :3 ‘w" You have t’ git up purty early t’ beat th’ retail market quotations t’ th’ farmer. Some fellers go clear thro’ life without excellin’ at anything but hittin’ a cuspidor. <4 5, Amy?» _...m.,.w».~-u... A bright baby never performs when you want it to. by ever’ Sunday night on a nickel’s worth 0’ marshmallows. .. “J.“ “You couldn’ git th’ men t’ look up if ther’ wuz an air raid, ther’ so ’fraid o’ missin’ somethin , said Miss Tawney Apple, t’day. "\v ABE MARTIN ON THE It hain’t goin’ t’ help us win th’ war if you eat as much as a panther down— town while your wife skimps at home. WAR AND OTHER THINGS Our idee of a fine time t’ retire is after a hundred successful air battles. (3) 3%! “Goin’ back t’ long skirts agin would be jest like lockin’ th’ barn after th’ hoss has been stolen,” said the Rev. Wiley Tanger, t’day. Jest because a feller’s married is no sign he hasn’ loved an’ lost. We don’ care who writes th’ nation’s songs, but we’d like t’ have somethin’ t’ say about who sings ’em. :3; A stingy person is bad enough, but a stingy brass band is th’ limit. g “Th’ worst thing about short skirts an’ pink hose,” said Rev. Wiley Tanger, t’day, “is th’ tendency among our young men t’ marry in haste.” 44-f- Remember when we used t’ speak 0’ some girl as havin’ hair th’ color 0’ sevencent-sugar? g; ABE MARTIN ON THE Christmus is over, but th’ closed season fer givin’ don’t begin till we’ve licked th’ Huns. WAR AND OTHER THINGS One 0’ th’ most uncertain things in this uncertain life seems t’ be th’ correct pronunciation o’ cantonment. % What’s become 0’ th’ ole fashioned girl that used t’ worry about th’ mistletoe crop? g; It hain’t a bad plan t’ keep still occasionally even when you know what you’re talkin’ about. Th’ way some fellers hit a cuspidor only shows what they might have amounted to had they directed their energies in other directions. :3} Who remembers th’ ole song, “He Never Cares t’ Wander From His Own Fireside?” 7 . >7\uka~.5.~l1*¢bd ABE MARTIN ON THE “inn-c. .u‘ . muumvay~lk§hA4 u;.‘ - ,k 4 m'.mAw ‘ , ' - K ., 4.....- WAR AND OTHER THINGS No matter how ole you are an’ how If th’ United States would jest wake up an’ take t’ th’ war like it took t’ belted overcoats an’ high shoes we’d git on faster. flat your feet are you kin still eat less an’ give freely. ” 3;; Uncle Niles Turner wuz in a remi- niscent mood this mornin’ an’ wanted t’ know what had become 0’ th’ ole Live like you wuz liable to git fired any time. time juggler that balanced a buggy whip on his nose. % (3} ‘4! Bad grammar don’t seem t’ hurt anybuddy’s business. gig Some time a woman with an aversion t’ housework is goin’ t’ marry a feller with an aversion t’ makin’ a livin’, an’ then there will be somethin’ doin’. Miss Tawney Apple has stored her furs fer the winter. Th’ Palace hu-tel has installed a new roller towel with a 500-mile guarantee. ABE MARTIN ON THE Maybe it just happens, but among all th’ men who are doin’ big things fer our country these days not one wears long hair. g Ever’ time I see an owner of a $1,000 dog I wonder why he don’t sell th’ dog an’ git a pair 0’ shoes or a clean shirt. gag Th’ leadin’ indoor sport this winter is runnin’ a home on a salary. Mrs. Tipton Bud’s brother, who is visitin’ her, says: “Ever’thing’s fear ful high down our way, but you kin still ride over th’ McKee’s crick bridge faster’n a walk fer five dollars.” No matter how long th’ war lasts ther’ll never have t’ be a sorghum dictator. ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS Mrs. Tilford Moots’s niece has post- Th’ only time th’ kaiser’s six sons poned her weddin’ till after th’ war as her friends have already given till it ever git in th’ front line is when some— smarts . buddy comes along with a camera. % When some folks want t’ be real as- Errol Swan, V. S., is takin’ a short course in vulcanizin’. surin’ they say, “Don’t worry, I’ll attend t’ it personally myself.” i?» Onions speak louder’n words. “We jest can’t agree,” said Lafe Bud, in referin’ t’ his divorce suit, “an’ when we do agree we’re both wrong.” “Why not conserve th’ home guard by an occasional autoless Sunday,” thundered the Rev. Wiley Tanger, in a ringin’ sermon yisterday. WAR AND OTHER THINGS ABE MARTIN ON THE You don’t have t’ be out of a job t’ be a loafer. \‘o‘; :4: Th’ best substitute fer coal is th’ fivecent the-ater. (3) at: Now that they’ve taken German out 0’ th’ schools let’s take Latin out 0’ th’ seed catalogs. “Don’t worry” is th’ official slogan 0’ th’ nonproducer. if} , “You jest have t’ be naturally lively t Iglt anywhere at a ‘dry’ beer dance,” said Tawney Apple t’day. You never find some people out till ther all in. g? 6) 31! In her petition fer divorce Mrs. Tipton “I don’t mind carryin’ th’ baby, but Bud’s niece avers that her husband’s it makes me sore fer my wife t’ walk ahead,” said Lafe Bud, this mornin’. brutality first manifested itself about eight miles this side 0’ Niagery Falls. ABE MARTIN ON THE “One blamed good thing abo ut food conservation,” said Tell Bin kley this mornin’, “is that it don’t tak e four days t’ git over a banquet any mor e.” WAR AND OTHER THINGS Nobuddy ever talks about th’ survival 0’ th’ fittest till he’s survived. 1. (3 Y, Miss Fawn Lippincut talks so me 0’ What’s become 0’ th’ poor wage earner? openin a beauty parlor for knit brows. :3 What’s become 0’ th’ old-ti me feller that used t’ charge “whatever ’s right?” (3‘) ‘4! There’s nothin’ new under the sun, but we occasionally bump int o a novelty after dark. (5') Y Ther’s even such a thing as a pop’lar deadbeat. a I expect th’ hardest thing about bein’ poor is fightin’ off crayon portrait solicit- ors. ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS Miss Fawn Lippincut’s aunt writes that ther eatin’ in Freddie Moots is up in th’ air on account 0’ th’ war, but still in th’ artillery. ther limousine ’til th’ weather moderates. G) Of all th’ “slackers” th’ coal man is th’ d: WOI‘St . When some folks don’t succeed they write, write agin. go; g Miss Germ Williams is confined t’ her home with a couple 0’ dropped stitches. Some folks are all right ever’ way ’Cept they won’t pay anything. ‘y" What’s become 0’ th’ ole-time easy-todo farmer? ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS “Well, I must buy some spareribs fer dinner, this is meatless day,” said Mrs. Mrs. Lon Pash, bride, gave seventeen sterlin’ silver berry spoons t’ th’ Red Cross shop t’day. % Lafe Bud t’day. Tell Binkley stepped on a cork an’ turned his ankle at th’ Republican state Uncle Niles Turner wants t’ know what has become 0’ th’ ole time feller that allus wanted t’ bet you th’ oysters? convention t’day. % Tell Binkley made a grand paterotic speech last night, but didn’ mention any names. Ever’ once in a while you meet a married couple that’s so happy they hain’t got time t’ keep house. 6) % Tilford Moots harvested three crops 0’ alfalfa off 0’ one field this year. lots 0’ smokin’ t’backer. That’s When somebuddy wants t’ prove that somebuddy else isn’t stuck up he says, “Why, he eats at th’ dairy lunch.” ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS A LETTER FROM TH’ FRONT Eatin’ t’backer, too, only cigarettes is Mrs. Min Nugent, cook 0’ th’ New Palace hotel, has received th’ follerin’ interestin’ letter from her son Stew, who is somewhere in France with th’ American expeditionary forces: th’ most important. . . . . I’m writin’ now with a pencil as a piece 0’ flyin’ shrapnel jest busted my fountain DEAR MAW: Well, here I am. I hope you are well. We had some trip comin’ over. Cigar— ettes galore. A piece of shrapnel jest now broke th’ last pane 0’ glass in my window as I write. I have enough terbacker t’ last a week. Unless some has been sent since I left I’ll probably be without some days before some comes. I’m billeted on th’ parlor floor of an ole historic chateau with a mantel piece that goes back t’ th’ renaissance. My shoes are dryin’ on th’ mantle. Cigarettes should be mailed at intervals 0’ two days apart t’ assure a steady, unbroken flow. Stew Nugent, A. E F. I enlisted. pen th’ sheriff give me when s agin, Tell him I’m out o’ fountain pen ABE MARTIN ON THE but would rather have cigarettes. WAR AND OTHER THINGS It’s wonderful how indifferent you git t’ danger over here. I’m not spendin’ any 0' my pay as I want t’ loaf a couple 0’ years when I git home, so any cigarettes or t’backer you send me is jest that much saved. I wouldn’ give much fer this historic chateau after th’ shrapnel gits thro’ with it. . . . I’m finishin’ this letter this mornin’ as a piece of shrapnel put my candle out last night an’ no matches wuz t’ be had. Th’ French people wuz certainly glad t’ see me but they have scarcely enough cigarettes fer emselves, an’ are tired out an’ poor after fightln’ so long, so I hate t’ ask ’em fer em when friends kin send ’em t’ me so ther sayin, but I wouldn’ ask ’em fer cigarettes, an’ you wouldn’ either if you could see what they’ve been up against. Are there any cigarette clubs at home? Some 0’ the boys say ther’s clubs in ther towns that gather money with which t’ buy them an’ send them t’ them. Girls send them th’ same as socks, an’ believe me, th’ boys are glad t’ git ’em. I hope you are well an’ strong an’ able t’ work fer many years t’ come. You should be glad you’ve got a good, easy cookin’ job when you think 0’ th’ poor ole women over here plowin’. Ther haint nothin’ in loafin’. I’m goin’ t’ work some when I git back. I’m goin’ over t’ th’ mantle an’ git my shoes as soon as th’ shellin’ easrly any time. It don’t look right t’ take ’em from ’em an’ I know you lets up a little. would not want me t’ do so. It’s different with eggs, which are plentiful. I over here very handy. Shrapnel knocks ’em out 0’ your mouth. You bet I’ve can’t talk any French an’ I can’t tell What got my three cigarette cases distributed care A. E. F. Mark your packages You cant carry a pipe ABE MARTIN ON THE where they‘ll stop th' most shrapnel. It don‘t look like I’d ever git my shoes as ther's a constant hail o' shrapnel. Don’t worry about me. Your lovin’ son, STEW. WAR AND OTHER THINGS Next t’ th’ gover’ment order prohibitin’ tucks in th’ backs 0’ men’s coats, th’ best reform brought about by th" war is th’ four-minute speech. A. E. F. France. (Put this on all cigarette packages sure.) Who remembers when we knew what kind of a sandwich we wuz gittin’ before we opened it? :1: Of all th’ knockers th’ feller that's allus knockin’ off work is th’ worst. if} Some folks don’t know when ther well off—an’ neither does th’ tax collector. WAR AND OTHER THINGS Constable Newt Plum fell in front 0’ th’ nickel the—ater this mornin’ an” broke his wrist an’ is at home knittin’. (3') “Take a good denatured German an’ you’ve got as good a citizen as any— buddy’d want,” said Constable Plum t’day. G) What’s become 0’ the” ole time red nosed early riser that used t’ take four drinks in the mornin’ before he could git one t” stick? 3;; “Ther’s a lot 0’ girls gittin’ by in short skirts that were given up as hopeless a couple 0’ years ago,” said Tawney Apple t’day. Many a feller kin breathe easier now that th’ saloons are closed———’specially around his wife. “Please take th’ stays out,” said Miss Fawn Lippincut, as she ordered a whale steak, t’day. *3? if; Ever’ once in awhile we meet a feller A climbin’ collar is purty bad, but a slippin’ garter is th’ limit. that’s so great he kin beg a cigar an’ nothin’s thought of it. .«~:.\m:~. awn-.5 :u-smr ‘ ' ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS “I’ve got two boys in th‘ war an’ we haint had any cane sugar fer two days, but nothin’ so fer has recalled General Sherman's famous remark so forcibly t’ me as fillin' out an income tax blank,” said Tipton Bud t’day. Now that McAdoo has fired th’ rail— road presidents we hope he’ll git after th’ train boy that charges ten cents fer a Pennsylvania cigar. ‘3) ‘1'- m c.) 1!: Pinky Kerr drunk seven bottles 0’ near beer yisterday without airin’ his private affairs. 6) 3:: Elmer Moots has quit workin’ at th’ Ther haint nothin’ as uncertain as col— lections an’ paper hangers. 5,3? “See what th’ boys are goin’ t’ have," said Lafe Bud, t’day, as he led a party 0’ friends up t’ a sody fountain. Little Gem resturint as his hair is not long enough in front. G} 6') «w m Mrs. Tilford Moots bought a closed car this spring ’cause they cost more. Some folks seem t’ enjoy poor health. " ”w'uwfiuwa-‘v‘wm a . 2 ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS .i , .1.” n, ,- talk on th’ street cars. (3; g; Y m Th’ feller that’s pushed t’ th’ front never stays ther very long. Lafe Bud has cigarette case. a new form fittin’ 6) % ‘3) 31! Ever’ once in awhile we meet a big Chump that’s been spoiled by his wife. a steady Ther’s plenty 0’ time t’ find ady job. girl after you’ve found a ste ‘é’ (3) V m What’s become 0’ all th’ full size dull finish girls we used t’ see? n gettin’ Ther haint nothin’ worse’ out somethin’ mixed up in a discussion ab y ignorant. 0’ which you are profoundl “5(3.“. -M1 ”ia- What's become 0’ th’ ole time general that rode at th' head 0’ his army on a big brewery horse an’ flourished a long sword? w up Constable Newt Plum’s son-in-la automot’ Indynoplus has bought an th’ war bile so he won’t have t’ listen t’ ‘§:.. 2:“ 5" “1'”— A- ~ 4 ABE MARTIN ON THE ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS Mr. Lemmie Peters, who graduated with such high honors several Junes ago. arose at th’ usual hour this mornin’ an’ partook of a light breakfast. Ap- parently he’s as hopeful that th’ war’ll end this week as he wuz when he wuz “Well, I’m proud t’ say I’ve four boys in th’ service 0’ ther country,” said Mrs. Lisle Rush, t’day. “Three’s on farms, an’ one has closed his billiard parlor.” a?) conscripted. G, :4: Sometimes a woman thinks so much of her husband that she boasts that he kin cook anything. 3 It seems like th’ folks that are allus doin’ things t’ help others are th’ very folks that ought t’ be doin’ somethin’ t’ help ’emselves. It almost kills some folks t’ git up at sunrise, t’ say nothin’ o’ gittin’ shot. Some men are born great, others achieve greatness, an’ still others have ther photos taken with ther chin restin’ on ther hand. 3;; (2‘) «w rv‘ Pinky Kerr is organizin’ a summer Uncle Tom’s Cabin company an’ has advertised fer a good craps shooter so they’ll allus have money enough t’ git home on. Speakin’ 0’ near beer, th’ woman that never used t’ look fer her husband till she saw him comin’ kin now at least expect him. ABE MARTIN ON THE WAR AND OTHER THINGS Up t’ noon t’day th’ kaiser’s six sons were enjoyin’ ther usual health. Remember when we used t’ ask fer th’ genuine instead 0’ th’ substitute? t?) Y *2 I; Who remembers when you had t’ use a pair 0’ ice hooks t’ git a small donation Of all th’ losin’ games, tryin’ t’ imitate th’ rich is th’ worst. out of a feller? i?» (3) y What’s become 0’ th’ ole time wife “Dude” Moots, who wuz so pop’lar before th’ war, has decided t’ enlist. that couldn’ spare th’ time? :1; Some folks need a tent worse’n they Th’ way most girls wear ther hair they couldn’ hear a feller if he did propose. need a home. Mrs. Tipton Bud’ll entertain friends this evenin‘. No solicitations. Even young onions don’t like some folks. (3) V m _.__ ._r.,/__fii If ther‘s anything in a beauty nap, a lot 0’ girls must suffer with insomnia. a stirring ABE MARTIN’S SAYINGS and , cut entitled American novel by Fawn Lippin “VELMA’S VOW.” ES by ABE NEW SAYINGS and SKETCH paragraphs ic rist Many characte MARTIN. unheardphies of and a rich collection of biogra of people. ABE MARTIN'S PRIMER. A volume of Essays and Epigrams. uniform in size. All cloth, fully illustrated and address, $1.00. Price each, postpaid to any y Abe Martin Publishing Compan Indianapolis 4 IL...“ l ‘ 1 [till ‘A Iv: ”MLWIHaNIIflPMUADQ! .‘(1 run a...» fink 3 2 Riv. ‘ . 3.5%}, m 22 Ax)...