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Homosexuality, Dr. Reed Payne, Brigham Young University, Theocracy, Gay Pride, First Amendment, Fourth Amendment, Fifth Amendment, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, LDS Church, Mormon, Gay Suicide, Conversion therapy, Robert Isaac McQueen, Research Materials |
| OCR Text |
Show I ■lll■lll■S , I. .j Comments& ] AMatter ofChoice I Reading and editing the Payne Letter" ("The Heterosemal Solution: a f dilemma for the gay )iormon," page 10) was an enormously difficult and, r indeed, painful experience for me. It called up, with amazing intensity, the . < self-loathing. fear, desperation and Jonellbeu I felt for 20 s , while wrestJ.ina with an internal conftJc:t bet~een what I chose. to belieYe , (Mormonism) and what I wu (a gay person). · · i Curiously, lt wu within the context of my Mormon e ~ durlna i my two-and-aae-half years semn, u a miuionary, that tut WU ultimately reaohed. I wu playina by their strict rules with a·flc:rce deter- I mination to O♦elCOID" my secret homosemality and to be a 1ucceuful JDS- f sionar:, and Mormon. . · c . A series of remarkable and remarkably depressing events eventually led r. me to the conclusion that God hated mcbecat:lse I was gay. Thatwas.pret- 8 t:, heafJ for a 3>-year-old, and lt an,ered me that a "iorina" God couJd be Ii so unfair. I pc,nbted with this bellefmrtll I couldn't tab It anymore. One " nenlng, ln tlwi middle of"a blizzard, nearly ~llnded by my tears and the . tl he&'J mow, I left my mluloaay compan)oo-the first rep1a&n ·1 ~ ·e brot.en-ud ·ran to a deserted part ha V1ama. As alone u I haft m:r 11 been, I shoot my umbre1la at the 1ty and. In a nae, acreamed: 0 oa're a p rotten God If,oa hate me became rm py. How can I belie,e ln ,oaf" The mow stopped with my worda. StDDned, l stood ·t hen In the mming i1 hush listenJna to a calm, firm TOice say: ''Boliffe only ln ,ounelf.•• Had I had a risloo? No, I recop1zed the TOke. It wa my own, and lt filled me with • sense of calm and auurance I had Den:t known before..y can of guilt and blame were wiped away In that lmtant. It toot me another fhe ,ean to understand fully that experience and fl- 4 nally dhcard a belJef s:,stan that ran counter to my fttJ bdni- For me lt wa.r a matter of choice: to beUeft ln myself and aD that I wu, lncludlna 1 my homosemallty, or to belie,e ln a system that told me, ln no uncertain s terms, an important part of me wu wroaa. , I began to see the ignorance, misinformation and dangers in the c church's anti-homosexual position. I encountered the effects of its•coun- s selln,--the 1alddes, the rained Iha. the perplezed and unhappy (aces of. fl confused men a n d ~ At the same dme. u 1ac:ceptance of myself In- . b creased, I UIO aK'OCllltend a ~ ot ~appfncia. ~ e n t , 1 adtleYement and aatisfacdon. I was "followtna the dictates of mj own con- . s science" (a Mormon dictum, lnddentaJJy) and ctllc:oftting that lily life wu t: improving as a result. Gay had become "good." It was no longer the barrier to happiness I had believed it to be. ' · p I understand and, in some respects. admire the daires of"Anon:,mom" a and those who share his concern to wort fm. chan,e within the structure of (! the Mormon Cliurcb. I -see lt u an enormooily difficult~ frustrat,ing stask·with equally enormous rewards. I wish ~ well and remind them, n _ through it all. to belifte lll thamehes and what they are doing. ti , -RMcQ I • •· tl 0 nearly years· coeflict r arowma .I |
